feeling it, for now

girls gone wildlife

2008-06-01T08:05:00.002-07:00

check out my amigas, debbie and karin, and their venture to save the furries by riding bicycles.

they're the radness.

you wanna know what else is the radness? randy newman.

and what else? in a few weeks, i'll be a groomsman in a turkish wedding.

do you see those fucking speakers? that wedding is gonna bump.

tv update

2008-05-22T20:44:00.002-07:00

quarterlife - that show i thought sucked - only aired the one episode i saw. ever. so it seems the world agreed.

in other news, my first "flip this house" episode will air in about two weeks, june 7th, on a&e. there will be a party throw in LA that you are invited to if you are there. i will not bo there, but other people will.

someone in brooklyn

2008-05-07T22:50:00.003-07:00

there's a person, someone in brooklyn, who's been reading up on me, really digging into my past.

i appreciate this.

now, if you don't mind occasionally checking in on The Blood Reds, i'd be double happy.

for now, that is all, as i remain in cincinnati, working Gentlemen's Hours (half days, two days a week), golfing frequently and terribly (twice since friday, twice in my life), and sleeping irregularly.

here's to staying alive. all you gunshot victims in southwest ohio.

drinking for threeandthe cincinnati blood reds

2008-04-20T23:47:00.003-07:00

i haven't been writing here, or anywhere really, but the time has come to change that.

since the beginning of february (with a break for a shattered collarbone and a couple weeks in Panama with michelle) i've been shooting and producing "Flip This House" here in LA. That ends this week, and i head to cincinnati to shoot/produce "The First 48" again.

so from watching paint dry to watching blood dry is one change, and it has incited the desire to write another death chronicle, like "this heat is killing me" and "autumn in kansas city." it will be filled with homicide cases, random experiences in cinci, and comedy.

"drinking for three" is a thing i've been meaning to start on since the future tiny cole came into the picture, and now that michelle is past 5 months, it seems almost too late, but as long as i'm still drinking for three, it's never too late.

so there's that one.

baby due august 20th.

believe it.

she's going to be the ultimate radness. my friend kevin winkle already announced her at a snowboard comp, so she's off to a good start. and, well, you know she's gonna be super good-looking. and a borderline genius.

so, to all my friends, i wish you luck in creating progeny of equal or greater value to the universe.

and to recap:
cincinnati blood reds
drinking for three

soft shoulder

2008-02-26T23:06:00.003-08:00

fractured my clavicle last week.

snowboarding.

stupid fall on an easy "terrain feature."

less than 24 hours into my vacation.

oh well.

i should heal for the dirty leftovers of this snowy season.

i still plan on getting upside-down at least once.

and stomping.

in the meantime, i prepare for fatherhood.

there's gonna be a dad blog.

with videos.

it will not be sappy.

it will be dark.

a brief question about the new nbc show, "quarterlife"

2008-02-26T23:01:00.002-08:00

is this supposed to be about hipsters?

i don't recognize any of these fools.

it's the "friends" version of actual people.

good thing the target demo isn't the people it's supposed to be about - that would be like expecting people stranded on a magical island to watch in "lost."

good job not doing anything interesting with something that has potential.

appendicitis...

2008-01-28T20:45:00.000-08:00

...but i hope it's just gas.

hines ward gets away with another one and i still hate the steelers and all their bullshit cheating

2008-01-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

he grabs the defensive back's facemask and then they call interference on the other guy and it saves their fucking season.

i hate them.

they cheat.

i mean, it's not their fault they get these calls, but really, it's some of the most unfair officiating i can remember in sports history.

if jacksonville loses, i will send a letter to someone.

putting the "anks" in thanksgiving

2007-11-26T14:25:00.000-08:00

somebody's doing it somewhere. th' angst giving. i haven't seen it yet, but i assume it relates to people who are friends with turkeys, or scared of eating, and/or hate their families.

whatever. i had a nice thanksgiving in san francisco.

now i've thanksgivinged in new jersey, new york, vermont, michigan, california, the bahamas, costa rica, and space. i get around.

the jets played on thanksgiving, and embarrassed everyone who has ever even watched football. disgusting display.

this did though come after our victory over the steelers of pittsburgh. all my hating on them during that unfortunate game a few weeks ago may have had some wizardly effect on the outcome. they play tonight, and i hope that they lose to the 0-10 dolphins, or almost lose, as i'd like to see a team go winless. i just want pittsburgh to look bad.

speaking of looking bad, there are plans for an overnight, LA Jets Fans trip to vegas, and that will have me returning home looking bad. like sick.

what looks good is our fearless leader, frankie pecoraro, flying like a jet plane in celebration of our victory.

it was a glorious sight.

another bit of glory is that the snowboard mountains of southern california have opened for business, and i will soon shred.

like this...

...or more probably just like this...

in all honesty, i've gone upside-down each of the last ten seasons. and stomped. so why stop now? oldness? fuck that. i got my knee fixed for a reason.

sorry about that nonsense

2007-11-13T00:03:00.000-08:00

those football posts are what happens when i get attacked from the inside by an aztec warrior ghost and the jets have a bye week.

i got the montezuma vengefulness from some gnarly sopes down in zihuatanejo and so i was dehydrated or something and so i ranted about the hated steelers of pittsburgh.

now i'm back near 100%, discounting the fact that a bottle of rum showed up at my house yesterday afternoon with dave and carrie tagging along and we drank it. all. not really conducive to being at full functionality. badminton was played. i have a full setup. come on over. challenge me. i am a poor player.

i do though feel myself getting ready to attempt something positive. not sure what it is, but it's out there. it's pretty far out.

then there's my job. still working. "working." almost 4 months. very close to breaking the record for longest job i've ever had, currently held by shooting the dvd bonus features for the reaping. that thing clocked in at 11 weeks. i'm at 15 on this one. woops. it already owns the record. this is cause for a celebration.

i just clapped once. celebration complete.

got a new sweatshirt. like it.

having a relapse of tooth problem. same tooth for over a decade. one would think that a $2000 dollar 4 hour procedure 5 years ago would have solved the fucker. one would be wrong.

need a new computer. need a new camera. need a new car. anyone know a good identity thief?

more steelers cheating

2007-11-11T13:00:00.000-08:00

polamalu illegal contact not called, just, you know, on third and ten. retarded. just pushing a dude in the back. so depressing.

hate the pittsburgh steelers

2007-11-11T12:48:00.000-08:00

with a passion.

maybe things like this happen all the time, but i feel like the steelers get some preferential treatment - their right tackle has gotten away with two blatant holds in the last two drives.
the first was on the third-down play when roethlisberger ran into the end zone. the browns' end complained, to no avail. the hold allowed roethlisberger to run at all.
the second one allowed roethlisberger to throw to miller for a first down on third and, i don't know, 17. they followed that with a touchdown.

now they have a 3-point lead.

i sure hope they don't win, because i hate when unfair things like that happen.

i hate the steelers with a passion, but it has not colored my view of these two strikingly retarded events.

work is, like, so hard!

2007-08-02T17:55:00.000-07:00

so i'm working kinda hard.

writing is fun, but they have formatting rules and stuff like that - not fun.

i nap now and then work more.

i write comedy better after a good nap.

a job ain't nothin' but work

2007-07-30T01:14:00.000-07:00

i start in the morning.

it will be my first job that has an indefinite duration.

i will be a writer.

i AM a writer.

i am also far too fragile to work full time.

danger.

legal ease

2007-07-25T02:29:00.000-07:00

anyone know a good contract/entertainment lawyer who hearts pro bono work?

hook a totally legit dude up.

i'm on the most blown-out sleep schedule ever.

and i have work to do.

and i need a job.

i may have one.

i may not.

no one's talking.

and i'm not allowed to - you know, non-disclosure agreements.

wolfman with crazy-eye

2007-07-19T17:31:00.000-07:00

still here.

still sitting around.

the waves are flat, the air is hot, the jobs are elusive, and the fun is hiding somewhere in the smog.

this is los angeles.

really i should be writing, but there's the problem of what.

the canadians have asked if i would like to be considered to replace my friend as director of their film.

i have responded in the affirmative.

maybe that will happen, though i doubt it.

for now i wallow a bit, and think up tiny dream scenarios that are unlikely to materialize. ever.

i'm going to shave off my wolfman beard now and maybe that will help to alter my nyc-ravaged perspective on all things western.

WOLFMAN!
(with crazy-eye)

busted-up in every way

2007-07-17T01:52:00.001-07:00

two month job is on the rocks, and i'm out twenty grand.

then there's that other busted-up way.

and then my old band is way radder than when i was in it, and i know some of you people live in portland, so go see them on thursday at rotture.

PONCE DE LEON!!!!
Thursday the 19th
Rotture
pdx

and anyone who lives anywhere near arcata, ca better come out and support the boys on friday the two-oh at jambalaya. what else do you have to do anyway? you live in the middle of nowhere.

so yeah, if anyone has a job offer, it looks like i'm in the market.
i have many and varied skills.

so maybe i'm not making this movie, so what?

2007-07-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

the canadians have put a halt to the proceedings. they've issued a moratorium on anything productive until they can agree to contract terms with the director, my friend. they claim to have canceled flights and put holds on wire transfers.

my computer and bank tell me otherwise.

that bit of knowledge aside, i've utilized my best diplomatic skills, which are very very good. i mean incredible. still i've yet to bring the two sides together. it could be a really cool movie. i'd like to make it. more likely it'll be middling. and even if it's slightly good, i'm sure, contract terms aside, that i'll get little or no credit for the creative input i will have offered. probably won't even happen anyway. i'm still holding out hope and will keep working my inherited political skill-set to its utmost.

why do i even care?

i need the money, of course.

speaking of money, mr. production company, good luck getting my advance back if you completely pull the rug out from under us.

plus, i'm supposed to hit the airport in 15 hours. i have checked out all the rental gear. i may just fly up for the miles, shoot something myself, and fly on home.

welcome to my fun and exciting life.

here it comes

2007-07-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

i'm about to start a new gig, rolling around the western US with a few crew and 4 canadian do-gooders out to live their dreams and help others live dreamily as well.

we are filming this.

we are making a film of this.

i am the writer/creative consultant or consulting producer/sound mixer?

that's right, twisting the old knobs again, but this time with some power.

i am less than thrilled to be living in an RV for 8 weeks, but these canadians seem great, and i do get paid... and i think we may actually make something really good out of this. inspiring even?

anyway, i hit canadia on tuesday night and then the whirlwind begins - including (gulp) burning man, which i know i recently promised myself and others that i would never attend. i am not interested. at least i get to go to a sandcastle contest too.

i'll be posting shit from the road, so be ready for that.

it'll be about making these boys use their energies to save the world instead of live frivolous rachel mcadams kissing dreams.

if there's a cure for heartbreak, i haven't found it, but being caught up in a whirlwind, last-minute, independent production and being somewhat/significantly responsible for the quality of the plan that makes the movie, well, it's at least distracting.

72 hours from canada.

or, um, canada...

may i suggest...

2007-07-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

the end of may. maybe.

maybe there's more.

there is.

but this concludes the saga.

the rest is just basically a series of money shots... which you'll get to see soon.

also soon, you'll get to see my chronicles from the road.

ridiculous shit is brewing hot on the horizon.

"the wheels fell off, the bottom dropped out, the checks all bounced, i came in your mouth... if you could save yourself, you'd save us all."

look at me now

2007-07-08T01:16:00.000-07:00

well, don't, as i won't supply a (recent) picture, but i have pictures on myspace.com/joshuacc and you can look at them and maybe you'll notice there that the love of my life has defriended me because i am incapable of doing what needs to be done. i do lots of other things, and while none of them are overtly bad, very few of them are actually good, and that's just not good enough. anyway the only real bad results come from inaction.

there are some good ones out there. things. that i do. they just don't seem to leave near as much of an impression as the things i don't do.

also out there are the things i don't say, which are interpreted from the things i do say, and invariably lead to trouble as they are misconstrued interpolations and that's not fair for any of us.

traffic in the truth.

and if you believe there's a hidden meaning, ask if it's the case.

i'm gonna build a bridge to the future and keep it in a lockbox and ultimately be emboldened.

more may episodes to come this week.

you will enjoy these things.

i will merely wish other things.

and now, in business news, i will not be going to south africa tomorrow for a "secret and amazing project." nor will i friday be off to detroit crack-rock-city to film the dead and their avengers. i will instead be traveling to canada next tuesday to film the 8-week process of my friend and i turning boys into men by way of a road trip and some challenges that may be better referred to as opportunities and we will break them and make them whole again and stronger than before - much like my surgically repaired knee...

and then it is mid-september and i will either set off on one of my passion projects traveling around the world filming masters of all stripes, or i will resettle into my doldrums, but at the very least i will no longer allow myself live in my nightmarish house with my coughing grunting stomping door-slamming roommate. maybe i'll even see more dead people. who knows? i kind of miss the action.

but not as much as i miss my hope for the future due to how i may have ruined any chance i have of being with my love.

i am a sad fuck.

but, at least may is funny. you can enjoy that maybe this week.

i will try to enjoy something also.

sorry i'm such a bummer.

blackjack, and other people you can't trust

2007-07-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

on the blackjack day of may, eddie discusses what it means to pay for sushi, i discuss how i did it to myself, and then he goes and parties while some guy puts it in me.

super-rad!

been text messaging with michelle these past couple of days and it's torture, but strangely nice, and totally confusing.

love is easy.

next episode of may - the end, which isn't really the end because there's an epilogue and an educational segment, both sort of bonus features, so it is the end. how 'bout that. it has golf and talk and a retrospective and a killer hilarious song from gold chains driving the whole situation.
the golf course we play on here is now nothing but scorched earth.

does quitting smoking alleviate depression?

2007-07-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

i'm going to try it.

any other suggestions will be accepted.

i'm a wreck.

somebody come and take me on an adventure.

rebirth, death, and graduationjust wait till episode 6, when we get into our spirit animals

2007-06-29T16:23:00.001-07:00

who's gettin' stabby?

kyle?

may, episode four.

for the rest of may, and, you know, to watch it in order like you're supposed to, go to youtube.com/badwoodprojects or just go back to the earlier posts on here.

or whatever. i don't care. this one stands alone anyway.

both teams played hard.

i wanted to go surfing today, but instead made plans to fix my board tomorrow so i can go surfing on sunday or next week when the waves get bigger, if i'm not in new york, where i probably won't be because tickets are expensive, my life is hard, and i am too depressed to affect any sort of positive change in my life.

i sucks to be in love and then still be in love but not be together or talking or anything. it's the right thing to do? i think? i don't like it. makes an emptiness i'm altogether unfamiliar with and don't like. profound shit from a shockingly eloquent set of finger taps. i am not smart, but i do know that we communicated via text message last night and it was exhilarating and terrifying and nice and sad all at the same time.

the third installment of may!!!but first, a few words

2007-06-28T00:55:00.001-07:00

words words words.

far too much bad shredding in that one and not near enough jibber-jabber or pirate death. good song though.

next installment has way more jibber jabber, partytime... then what follows is a maniacal race to the end of the month, full of sushi, knee-splosions, egg smashing, surgery, talking, golf, drinking, golf, and a rad song by gold chains. then there's more talking. always more talking.

you can't wait.

i went surfing today and i liked it. dinged my board on a rock, but it was after the longest right i've ever ridden. good times! and also - good way to keep my mind off my mind! so shitty these days.

thinking of taking up boxing at the recommendation of william silverman.

trying to fly east for the week but, apparently, so is everyone else.

anyone got a plane?

i miss my girlfriend.

ex-girlfriend?

man down - may part two

2007-06-26T17:18:00.000-07:00

you know it as international mexican drinking day. i know it as the day when pirates die.

another event tahoe would love to forget...

fire in the hoe!

2007-06-26T14:39:00.000-07:00

the angora fire still burns and bears wander around homeless, confused, and hungry.

so if you ever wanted to do it, now's as good a time as any to go on up to tahoe, get stoned, and fight a bear.

arnold has called the firefighters "true heroes," while he summers in europe.

i've got half a mind to summer on the continent as well. go arnold!

in other news, things keep looking up for this 10-week road trip documentary debacle that i'll be attempting to co-write and produce while lugging around ridiculous amounts of audio gear. this morning, i got offered an opportunity to go back into the fray on The First 48, this time in cincinnati (tentative blog title: cincinatti blood reds), but i had to turn it down so i can theoretically live in a motor home and tour around the country filming perky canadian boys. every queen's dream, queen!

meanwhile, the weight of the dissolution of my relationship has settled on me and i don't like it one bit.

some things hit you like a bullet train on a sparrow, others are more like the pressure in the depths of the mariana trench on a slowly descending, poorly sealed submarine.

good times!

there's a saying

2007-06-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

you've all heard it.

you can never go home again.

not that i'm calling the house i lived in during my most recent stretch in tahoe "home," but i did live there, with a crazy crazy girl who, among other things, got dragged off to jail for credit card fraud, mail fraud, and identity theft. also, her grandparents were there for a while. i have a photo of them that would make you all laugh so fucking hard you would die. maybe i'll put it at the bottom of this post.

anyway, i can never go back there and see all the crazy bear carvings, or the southwestern style mantle, or the built-in desks and shelving in the office where i found some serious evidence that i turned over to watson, or the entire general area where i recovered from my hilarious knee injury and subsequent surgery.

all that's left of the house at 773 mule deer circle is cinders. all that's left of the 200 houses around it is cinders. no way i created near as much weed ashes from sucking bong hits in my two years up in that hood.

my friend eddie is on one of the forest service firefighting teams out there trying to hold it down so people can go and get their drink and gamble on for the 4th of july.

cheer him on, because we all love to get drunk and gamble.

and think about how shit can just go up in flames.
it happens all the time.
houses aren't the only things that burn down either.
do you maintain defensible space?

stay safe out there, america.

i keep telling people how funny this is

2007-06-09T10:49:00.001-07:00

and now that i'm finally back from cuba, i can show it... and, for the record, i have absolutely nothing to do with its creation.

2007 begins near the middle - may, part one

2007-05-09T02:27:00.000-07:00

i've not yet written anything for anyone to read this year, aside from my shamelessly self-promotional emails and what all, as works have aired on the american tv, and i'm not even saying nothing happened to write about or even that i didn't want to write about things that happened, but merely that here's a thing and i'm putting it up.

any person who has continued to check here for newness over the preceding 4+ months and finds this here, this is for you.

it is also for anyone else: no special treatment here.

i've done jobs, funny things have happened, there was a small amount of snowboarding, not much travel, a little learning, some free money, the same girlfriend, a new home, plans to move out of that home to a newer one, and my first cold-water surfing.

now some old stuff. may '04. days 1 and 2. stay tuned for cinco and beyond.

a review re-do

2006-12-29T15:47:00.000-08:00

atlanta-hartsfields international airport.

crown club room.

take two.

rad.

maybe it's the muscle relaxants.

or the booze.

or a combination.

but i feel not bad to return to america.

and here's the score:

cocktails how i ask for 'em: plus 3

uncomfortable seats: minus 2

skipping any and all lines: plus a million

dance music in the terminal: plus 1

having to ride a little train, twice, because they change the terminal: minus a million

being muscularly relaxed enough to chat up indians and mexicans and norweigans: plus 3

total: plus 5

best ever.

thanks, america.

and yes, that means i'm back.

first class and full of gusto.

thanksgiving in the tropics

2006-11-23T11:04:00.000-08:00

the stigmata i got from my surfboard is good.

and the stitches make me look tough.

surfed this afternoon.

done with the longboard.

getting frisky.

not eating turkey.

they don't celebrate turkey here.

...and there's the vegan thing.

beans and rice!

plantains!

surfing!

beat that, america.

also, a wingless dragon

2006-11-21T13:08:00.000-08:00

yeah, i got one of those.

he lives in my yard.

i discovered him today.

now i need a nap.

irony in the tropics

2006-11-21T12:55:00.000-08:00

been snowboarding twelve years and i've beat the shit out of myself - knee reconstruction, broken ribs, twice torn cartilege in my ribcage, 3 concussions, and a hundred other minor injuries forgotten due to the concussions. i'll never forget my best concussion

trying to leave all this behind and teaching myself to surf. it's going very well. i'm good at it.

anyway, at playa hermosa this morning around 845 the curls were plentiful and heavy. i got some waves. one got me. threw me down on top of my board.

now i have stitches in my side.

i never got stitches from snowboarding.

two in a row, arms like jelly, brain like ocean

2006-11-17T21:27:00.000-08:00

those are two similes in a row.

that's what's in a row and there they are.

all is still well.

rode hard and put up wet

2006-11-16T23:27:00.000-08:00

no need to envy. i just need to learn spanish and surfing and stuff and i'm getting old, you know.

one and a half days here and already sunburned and my arms are totally giving out. this surfing shit is hard. first day ever (bought a board last night - a long one) and i got up on my second wave! fucking head-high wave too. then i was like, 'well, that was an accident, because i suck.' So I thought I was a killer and then I ate giant shit on my next try and went in for lunch. pretty much collapsed from exhaustion the rest of the day and drove over to a pussy-type mellow beach break in a bay. Knee high, but I got my mechanics better, turned a bit, and think after one or two more wimp days I’ll cruise back over to the big dogs, then next week I ditch the 9’1” for a shortboard and shred like the champion I was always destined to be.

i've been so fucking lazy. so out of shape.

as long as my body gets stronger fast, i'll be going to the shortboard in ten days.

oh my silly dreams. so full of myself. just because i learned to snowboard in a day...

you have to admit though, that second wave...

and i had good crashes - getting up to my feet long enough to go right over the handlebars, stuff like that.

visited marlon this afternoon (he hooked me up with piko last night, who i bought my surfboard from and is aboout as awesome as marlon). he and i have some work to do with the car and getting my phone on track. those are, i think, my only responsibilities outside of maintaining the house (which actually isn't a total walk in the park with all this rain. or it's like a walk in the park on a day with all this rain, i guess.). i also need to get my spanish on a little harder, keep surfing, avoid sunburn, maybe make a friend or two, and write words for money-in-the-future.

a tall order, but i am the man for this job.

also, for the shittiest beach town in costa rica, it's pretty fucking sweet here. and the people are super friendly and patient with my spanish and all that good stuff. and, all i eat is beans.

adventure stories will follow. for now, just know that it's all ok down here, and if we're going to have a child together, we may come down here for the birthing, for the citizenship, because why not?

day one

2006-11-15T10:54:00.000-08:00

10:15am wednesday 15 November 2006

i’m sitting in the cafe, called The Moon Glow, here at the adventure inn. marlon just called and is going to be a little late in picking me up. that is no problem. there are no problems here at all, except maybe those weird fuckers at the servicia de cambio who said my signature didn’t look like my signature. what was that all about? now i have to try to fake sign that check for someone else. why did i get traveler’s checks anyway? retard.

last night in bed i did start to get worried about some things. i was like, ‘whoa! i have to get a car and a surfboard before i can do anything! and i have to get my costa rican phone working! fuck! so much to do!’ and then i realized that this was very little to do and that i’m on fucking vacation and tomorrow i’ll be surfing my novice brains out.

solamente puedo hablar el espanol.

latin. america.

2006-11-14T23:56:00.000-08:00

1147pm tuesday 14 November 2006

alright, i’m at the adeventure inn, and the adventure... let me tell you about the adventure to this point:

got a traveler’s check rejected at the currency exchange place.

told them to fuck themselves.

met the most rad taxi dude ever. this was two hours ago. he’s still the only person i’ve talked to and he’s got me totally convinced that i can speak spanish already. i mean, like a retard, but still... he understood me!!!

the internet worked here for a second, but not anymore.

there’s a bidet in the bathroom, and i love that shit. seriously. no pun. just cleaner. or, mas limpio. no es sucio.

see that, fuckers? at least as good as a retard.

talked to marlon. he’s on it. i did wake him up. and i feel bad about that, but we’ll be friends and i’ll take care of the guilt through my kindness and stuff.

i do have the ridiculous urge to go out and explore san jose, but that’s just gonna have to wait, kiddies. i’m thinking the night before rosen and harman hit town i’ll do a little scout, and then it’s on.

of course, there are reminders of michelle everywhere. doesn’t help that the last (and really only) time i’ve done any world traveling was with her, but i see her everywhere. the place i’m in tonight is just like the place in chiang mai. then there’s how it’s kinda just like her first night in bangkok when i tried to make things fun and full of learning and she was all about sleeping, except tonight i’m trying to make things fun and adventurous and I’M all about sleeping... and, no joke, the featured cocktail on the plane was a DIRTY MARTINI.

i drank 'em.

plus, i’ve got this hippy backpack...

whatever. i love that girl and i wish she was here. i guess i’ll have to settle for marlon. and divina on the red motorcycle. and antonio my taxi driver. poor excuses for a michelle though. all of them. individually and combined (and the whole thing is actually a revolting thought so i’m through with writing. buenas noches.).

EXPERIENCE REVIEW 2:delta's business elite international lounge, ATL

2006-11-14T17:03:00.000-08:00

gold sign beats silver: +1

longer walk than to crown club room: -1

beers on tap tapped out: -1

disco-strobe silent fire alarm: +a million

unless this means i'm gonna die, then it would be -a million.

total: -1

pretty good.

i mean everybody's dancing. still can't put out those flames.

EXPERIENCE REVIEW 1:delta's crown club room, LAX

2006-11-14T07:42:00.000-08:00

just like the old days, i'm gonna complain for fun and make sure we all know why spending extra money pretty much just gives you more reasons to be disappointed...

putting green +5
and putters +1
and balls +1

bloodies +2.5

bathroom hike -4

pay internet -3

no fresh fruit -2

della reese +0.5

TOTAL:
+1

possibly the best score ever. for anything.

my second bloody mary

2006-11-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

it is far more horseradishy.

and i like that.

oh yeah...

2006-11-14T07:22:00.000-08:00

by the way, i'm in the business lounge.

it does not meet european standards.

why?

i'll tell you when i update from the international business lounge in atlanta.

for now though, suffice it to say, 'no fresh fruit.'

envy away in all your sinfulness, you disgusting heathen.

bloody mary morning

2006-11-14T06:47:00.000-08:00

first time since may that i can write the word bloody and know that it's entirely possible that i'll never see the bloodied body of a murder victim ever again.

it's 650am in LA and my man marlon in costa rica has been surfing for three hours already. i'm sitting in the airport. but tomorrow, costa rica.

last night i went out for a few drinks and had to hold myself back from offering up my bastardized version of spanish to any brown-looking person i came across. i'm so fucking ready for this.

my bloody mary is delicious.

my psychological make-up is pretty tasty too, this morning. i mean, honestly, why not? seven weeks in the tropical heavens are banging down my door - and not like a home-invasion that ends in a shooting either.

and so there's big snow in colorado today, my love is in virginia, and i am at LAX, headed to costa rica until 2007. mixed bag, i guess. but i do have shred passes bought and paid for (do people really say that) and waiting to be utilized. and i have a love. not bad for an unreasonably lazy douchebag like myself.

and now, the to-do list:

learn the surfing
learn the spanish
write the writings
stop the smoking

that just about does it, and if i do, then so do i.

about two more months and then another two

2006-11-11T17:09:00.000-08:00

i'm well out of kc and now three days away from seven weeks in costa rica.

i'm gonna learn how to surf and speak spanish and commune with monkeys and other vitally important shit.

and i'm going to enjoy it all while i can, because i feel like i might end up behaving like a responsible adult sometime pretty soon.

send me hate-mail, you sinners.

two months later...

2006-09-20T16:34:00.000-07:00

i got out of dallas on august 1 and i've been bouncing around the coutry since then, tour-style.

LA
vermont
maine
new hamshire
vermont for brother's wedding
nyc
LA
colorado
LA
and now two days away from kansas city for six weeks of new murder fun-time.

so much craziness in my life-brain right now, but i'm working on settling it down. working on getting to the fucking beach at least one time this year that's not in thailand for a day before crashing motorbike and shearing off skin.

also, working on a name for the "kansas city in autumn" version of dallastic's "this heat is killing people."

"kansas city in autumn" is a good name. i've maybe answered my own question, but i'll be taking suggestions for the next couple days. fuck it. always taking suggestions. give me a good name and it's the name.

jc in kc, 2006. the murderers have been waiting for me.

and... here i come.

start saving

2006-07-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

my father has recently informed me that i've received a disability check for that old kicker of mine (an injury shrouded in norco-valium-xanax mystery at this point) to the tune of twelvethousandfiftyUSdollars. that's fivefigures. and i'm leaving dallas in 20 days with, like, mad paychecks to add to that, and then there's LA... but new york should stock up on rum. starting last week. seriously. go back in time and get it together. and start learning how to drink it too. i'd kick all you barnacle-ridden scalliwags right off the leeward side of my fine vessel right now if i had one and you were on it but i don't but this magic money might buy/rent me something on the eastcoast and if you're not rum-tested in battle, then you better be practicing yer pathetic strokes and paddles because come the 23rd of the august i got a week of it, which will be brought.

gotta go.

dead people.

also... i don't actually have any money.

or do i?

back to dallastic. below...

movin' over to dallas

2006-06-15T23:34:00.000-07:00

deep ellum, to be exact.

and you can find notes on the whole crazy thing HERE.

i will see dead people.for money.

2006-06-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

in 30 hours i will relocate, yet again, though this time to dallas, for the first time, in order to film homicide detectives doing their jobs.

i will certainly see my first dead people ever, as they will call me each time they have to go look at one. not the dead people, the detectives. on average, this happens four times a week in dallas. i will be there for 4-8 weeks, which means 16-32 bodies.

a man's gotta make a living.

(if you want me to actually delve into my feelings on my future video-journalism-ish exploits, well, you'll have to wait, though i assure you they run deeper than making a buck, even in my current destitution).

an excuse a day

2006-06-06T20:14:00.000-07:00

today: it's the tuesday of the beast.

doctor's orders

2006-06-06T16:10:00.000-07:00

i've been back in LA for almost 2 weeks. kept thinking i was going back to new york because that's where i left from and then came back here so ok but then would wake up and have minutes of not knowing where i was like what country even.

that finally seems to have passed.

what hasn't passed is any money into my bank account. no pay. no reimbursement for my 750 dollar phonebill. so i'm kinda broke. which was also the case in laos, where they have no atms so we had to put everything on credit cards so were forced to stay in the nicest possible hotels and eat at the fancy-pantsiest of restaurants.

when you're poor you have no choice but to live rich.

i will maybe elaorate on this theory or even just tell a story at some point but right now i don't care to.

what also hasn't passed is my foot-wound. i may lose a toe after all...

but no, says the american doctor. he prescribes "rest. and this cream."

to that i say, "perfect!" and rest away, purchasing extravagent things on credit cards whilst applying my cream.

and but now today it seems i may be hired later to film dead people and the peopple who try to catch the people who made the people dead for my next job.

smiles!

one night in bangkok...

2006-05-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

this photo happened, but now those silly euro-shorts are torn and covered with my own blood, and the flip-flops have suffered the same fate, while i lounge in the most exclusive resort in northern laos...

losing a toe

2006-05-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

i'm probably not.

but that would be super bad, wouldn't it?

you all should see it though.

i'll try to take pictures when i go back to the hospital in the morning.

then mechelle and i are off to chiang mai for a few days, luang prabang, laos, then vientienne, siem reap (angkor wat) on a pig and chicken flight or something that costs way to much money to be powered by dry old rubberbands. but awesomeness awaits, and so does veterinary treatment on my furry corpus.

i am becoming more like a monkey every single day.

i have so much more to say, but a baht a minute in my current economic crisis is pretty steep. that's like a dollar an hour!

woof woof...

2006-05-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

...crash!

saw my own chin-bone yesterday.

hands arms and legs are pretty thrashed, skin-wise.

but i did get to see my own chin bone, which is cool, and they took an x-ray of my skull which looks like quite a nice specemin.

now i eat breakfast and go to another place where there are dogs to avoid crashing into so i can crash into streets instead.

woo-hoo vacation.

refugee camps don't have internet so much

2006-05-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

everything is happening but sleep and then when i get to this island paradise this afternoon i will swim and sleep for days.

uganda and azerbaijan can suck it.

thailand is totally better.

and now i go out to dinner, i'm thinking thai? friday night we cinco de mayoed mexican in bagkok and got "meters of tequila" and then hilarity ensued.

yesteray it's just luke and me.

now it's just me.

swimming like a slicked up seal.

the fur makes me go faster.

i have seen an elephant and a monkey.

and lots of guns.

and made refugees from many countries smile.

what have you done lately?

and so because i am a better person than you could ever even endeavor to be, i am treating myself to beach bungalow perfection and thai massages and whatever i want for the week and then michelle flies to bangkok, which is a shit town, and then we adventure the seasia together.

i'm thinking more beach.

gotta go.

gotta go swimming with monkeys watching from the coastline.

baku, azerbaijan toentebbe, uganda viavienna andamsterdam

2006-04-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

and we have a special delivery coming to schipol airport in old amsterdam, if you know what i mean.

i worked my ass off all week and then last night got the heavy heavy wasted. full crew. disco.

today i've worked and walked and shopped and photographed, i didn't get to finish the story about the dog or even start the one about the camel's toe or OK or the cage and then the tea or taking kids out to the factory and doing lines with them, shooting them or"what's with you and authenticity?"

malik was on the freak about some shit. he's our driver who speaks better english than today's interpreter, used to shoot for azeri tv and, before that russian tv. we've just had two consecutive days of at least near-incarceration so...

our other interpreter, najit, rocks baku so hard that i'm scared the entire city full of unfinished apartment buildings is just gonna shake down to the ground. lorrie, the soccer girl, was asked by nike to bring some of her national team jerseys (she did the world cup and olympics) and we decided we should all sign it and give it to him - they're nutbags for signatures out here.

speaking of nutbags, they have the greatest large nutsacks but the handy take-away nutsacks are completely unreliable.

there's been some really sad shit and some reassuring hopeful and beautiful shit to balance it out so far. i fear africa will be another story. not really fear, more suspect. whatever happens, it will be good for me.

so anyway, hook a dude up with seven malarone and i'll hook you up with more than just the reimbursement money - i'm talking about anything and everything you could ever want from a man like me, which can't be much since i speak almost no azeri and would be a horrible husband here since i have no sharkskin suits or super-pointy shoes.

here's to kwai river raft beds.

and you (even though i copied and pasted this from a message i sent) (it's hard out here for a pimp...)

and why sea

2006-04-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

i am in new york.

realizing why it's the best.

got 36 more hours here.

then the world.

is it/am i ready?

basics are here

2006-04-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

i come to new york for thursday and friday the 13th and 14th and then i fly around the world.

they are paying me to do that.

so, anyway, i'll be NYC in a week.

prep.

especially if you owe me money.

i have a shiv.

heist!

2006-03-22T20:03:00.000-08:00

it premieres on nbc tonight, apparently, but for now, i sit on its set while they do shots with a dog that are taking a long time. i have a very important video playback operation to attend to when they want it. soomeone made it. i put it on the prop computer. it is a screen with a password box. type in the password and bingo! up pop two windows full of secret information.

this will probably not happen until after midnight. i got here at 2:30, so the real heist is me, taking the paycheck for sitting around waiting to make my movie magic.

meanwhile, i have made tentative plans for the next two months:

maybe work tomorrow

shoot jeremy's pilot this weekend

maybe work monday, maybe just get a yellow fever shot or something

haircut on tuesday

meet with mtv executive producer later on tuesday and try to sell him a show or two.

maybe work wednesday

go to arizona thursday through sunday for the collins-apodaca wedding festivities

then the first week of april i think i may work a little, hang out with my cousin(s), and then go to tahoe for a week.

then i'll come back and go to thailand.

then azerbaijan.

then uganda.

then i'll come home for a week, maybe pick up some work.

then driving from the border all the way down to the tip of baja with michelle.

then i'll come back and try to work again, i guess.

that'll be around may 20th.

not

bad.

i am remote controlled by courtney cox

2006-03-21T23:41:00.000-08:00

the price: 45 an hour.

i get paid that much.

she presses play on a prop remote control, and i make a dvd play on the tv.

she presses pause, and i pause it.

i am good at this.

so my job today was to play a dvd. like, to press play. i do that at home all the time!

when the director says, "i need more porno," he's talking to me. a new cue. amazing.

i have found the perfect gig.

SECOND PERFECT GIG:

offered to me today. 23 days. los angeles to new york to london to azerbaijan to london to uganda to dubai to thailand to los angeles. we wrap in thailand, where i will stay on for a week of tranny hookers. and by the way, if you hadn't noticed, i am going around the world very literally.

apparently i've done something right at some point. if not, shit's going to fall apart for me at some point. dramatically. dangerously. possibly, uh, explosions will be involved. probably though, i've done something right at some point. don't know what it is...

uh... no. i got nothing.

4 continents in 3 weeks.

the production pays for my yellow fever vaccination.

this is my second chance to go to africa in the past 9 months and i will not walk away from it. asia and eastern europe/right-next-to-iran are also involved to aid in my process of not even considering saying no for a second. and when their money offer is 150% of what i'd decided was the absolute cheapest i'd do it for, well, that really clinched it.

AMAZING LIFE KEEP ON LIVING!

hopefully my friend luke will be along for the ride, but really though, i don't care.

we leave in 3 1/2 weeks, so i should get my vaccinations etc. in about two weeks ago. perfect! let's go!

the deal is, a week ago i was pretty sure i was gonna go broke or get a job at a restaurant or something. and now all this. and i'm working again tomorrow and thursday, probably pressing play or something, and then, dude, a haircut and a wedding and a round the world. it always happens. gonna go broke, then, magically appearing in my phonepiece - justin wilkes, my hero, with another job worthy of someone of my caliber. or really though, probably someone way harder than me. i mean, have you felt these soft hands i keep harping on?

never worked a day in his life.

come on, tell me i don't deserve it.

i will agree.

then i will shrug.

and smile.

and then bring, to those who deserve them, wonderful gifts from around the world.

did i mention that i envision all of my travels to be by private jet?

did i?

might not heppen, but still... bangkok to baku? baku to kampala? i don't believe they have direct flights.

did i even say what the job was?

(beware: redemption)

a series of short docs and PSAs about a united nations program that supplies athletic equipment to those in refugee camps.

did that redeem me?

no?

go ahead, tell me what i really deserve.

he's never worked a day in his life

2006-03-20T23:57:00.000-08:00

yeah, i don't know who that guy is, but it's not me, dude.

i worked a day on friday.

and i'm working another one tomorrow.

that makes two days.

out of five.

so i've worked at least two days in my life.

and two this year even!

still have soft, regal hands though.

on a roll...

man in me

2006-03-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

dude, that man came out as i put in a completely dishonest day's work.

made money.

worked like for real ten minutes, plus a half hour of setup and breakdown.

made way too much money.

keep an eye out for some magical visual effects involving a head in the pilot for the tv show DIRT. if it ever airs.

i had very little to do with making it happen, but was there to facilitate its happening and did that effectively.

i am a professional man.

might even work again next week.

souper tuesday!

2006-03-15T01:44:00.000-08:00

holy shit!

so in the interest of procuring gainful employment, i made that soup today.

let me just say that making a soup is more than making a thing, it's making one feel like a thing. in this case, a witch.

cauldren bubbles, steam rises, goats shiver, and i howl at the moon as children dance naked around the fire, hoping to conjure the spirit of river phoenix to come and save hollywood from gay cowboy movies and bring it back to it's roots - gay hustler movies.

soup's delicious, i'm still vegan (but isn't there some sort of probationary period that has to pass before i can claim the title, like between election and inauguration?), and instead of doing anything productive this evening, i am drinking a bottle of wine and watching the entire first season of arrested development.

bring on episode 7!

only 15 to go... full reviews of each will appear here never.

just know that family comes first and you should always keep a key in your lower intestine to catch a shiv. and that tricks are what prostitutes do for money. or for cocaine!

one for the world

2006-03-14T00:41:00.000-08:00

seriously, let's pretend...

that makes no fucking sense.

so, say it like this... i got one for people who couldn't give a fuck about me/have no idea who i am. you can read this and it requires no backstory, no personal relationship to the author. it's a goddamn 3-legged chair. not even a wobble.

here goes:

buy the cd entitled TROPICALIA.

it's a sampling of brazilian jams from like 1968-70.

so good.

...and, scene.

lady doctor vegan recipe #1

2006-03-14T00:14:00.000-08:00

Lentil Soup

2 medium carrots, cut into 1/4-inch dice
2 celery ribs, cut into 1/4-inch dice
3 garlic cloves, chopped fine
1 medium onion, chopped fine
olive oil
1 pound lentilles
8 cups vegetable broth or water plus broth cubes.
1 can diced tomatoes
3-4 leaves of chard, chopped

In a 3- 6-quart pot, saute carrots, celery, garlic,
and onion in olive oil over moderate heat, stirring
frequently, until onion is softened, about 6 minutes.
Add lentils, tomatoes, broth, and salt and pepper to
taste (as well as any italian herbs) and simmer,
uncovered, stirring occasionally, 45 minutes, or until
vegetables are tender and soup is thickened. Add chard
and allow to cook 5-10 more minutes till chard is
tender.

oh, and sometimes, i add a splash of red wine or red
wine vinegar as well as chili seeds if i feel like spice.

OK...

trying it tomorrow. will report back unless i poison myself or burn all my fingertips.

and did you ever wonder if i owned a helmet?

i do.

does that do anything for you, potential employers?

anything at all?

fine. at least try the soup. it's good.

my body is a test tube

2006-03-13T23:59:00.000-08:00

i haven't eaten an animal product in 8 days.

i am not yet dead.

wander grocery store aisles like a foreigner on acid.

it's possible that there was broth or butter in some rice i had yesterday, but really...

RESULTS:

defecation frequency increase
remain unemployed

mammoth was amazing. good snow and good people (go josh dion and lisa something!( and michelle of course)) make me consider again again again again the idea of dropping the fuck out of the rat race i never even really run in anyway - just kinda watch it and dream about the finish line...

but who even cares about that finish line when you have this?

and on the vegan thing, well, not sure i can hang with it forever... albacore sashimi!!!!!

but if i can somehow wrangle a lady doctor who cooks some mean vegan shit...

i am a hotel. i am a concierge. i write boring shit.

2006-03-04T18:09:00.000-08:00

five visitors in the last two weeks and some with overlap. i love my friends and hate hosting people for weeks on end. now i know what i was like but not really because i was different. i am different. but thank you to all who put me up for those two homeless months in the NYC 2004.

so...

exhausted.

unemployed.

oh, a good idea.

here's my resume (i took off that russell crowe's band doc i assistant edited because fuck that shit) (and i mention nothing of my coat-check mastery or seldom and sketchy bartending)...

also, notice i haven't worked in the 06. at all.

LA is pretty rad like that.

going to mammoth on monday. get back thursday. that kind of rad.

ok, here we go. i wanna direct dvd bonus features now. or whatever.

get me a job.

Recent Employment Experience:

None.

Previous Employment Experience:

Gardner Nelson and Partners – December 2005
Directed, shot, edited and created DVDs for this New York ad agency’s pitches to potential clients Discover Card and Sovereign Bank.

Gamekillers – December 2005
Production Sound Mixer for this MTV reality/dating/prank show.

The Sims – November 2005
Production Sound Mixer (New York) for this MTV show about people obsessed with ‘The Sims’ video game.

The Witnesses – November 2005
Camera for this Indie band’s music video for the song "We're Taking Over," off the album Black Eyes and White Lies.

The Reaping DVD – August-October 2005
Field Producer, Production Sound Mixer and Camera Op.for the behind the scenes feature and other featurettes on this Warner Brothers film starring Hillary Swank and directed by Stephen Hopkins.

Iconoclasts – July 2005
Production Sound Mixer for two episodes of this Sundance Channel series – Tom Ford and Jeff Koons, Sumner Redstone.

One – July 2005
Production Sound Mixer for this television spot for the One Organization (Live 8), with Stevie Wonder, Natalie Portman, Don Cheadle, Jennifer Connolly, Naomi Watts, Jimmy Smits, The Black Eyed Peas, Chris Tucker, Russel Simmons, etc.

Battlegrounds 2005 – May-July 2005
Field Producer and Production Sound Mixer on several episodes of this seven part series for MTV about the lives and aspirations of young basketball stars from New York and Chicago.

Honest – April 2005
Director of Photographey on this 30-second digital spot for DVD release with European Advertising trade magazine.

Orbit Digital – April 2005-August 2005
Avid Assistant (Symphony, Unity, Nitris) at this Post House. Clients include MTV, VH1, CBS Sports, The Sci-Fi Channel, and directors Wayne Wang (Last Holiday), Darren Aronofsky (The Fountain) and Steven Soderberg (Bubble).

Corra Films Inc. – February 2005-ongoing
Staff Writer at this production company. Writing pitches and treatments for documentary and reality programs. Developing specials and series with Showtime, Comedy Central, A&E, VH1, SpikeTV, and The Sundance Channel.

Snowboard High – November 2003-November 2004
Creator, Producer and Director/DP of this half-hour pilot for MTV Networks. The documentary series focuses on the lives of students at a boarding school in Colorado that has snowboard training as a part of its daily curriculum. Pilot completed in April ’04. Recast and shot for MTV in September and October 2004.

Debutantes – November 2002-March 2004
Field Producer/Production Sound on this two hour special for A&E, chronicling the experiences of modern day debutantes across America.

Cuffed – October-November 2003
Contracted to write this reality show for MTV Networks satellite channel, The N.

Battlegrounds – July-August 2003
Camera and Production Sound on this two hour special for MTV on street basketball and the culture surrounding it.

Because We Feel Like It – February-July 2003
Directed and shot this unscripted MTV Networks pilot about adolescent skateboarders exploring their world.

Breaking Point – October-November 2002
Production Sound Mixer on this Discovery Channel show exploring the limits of technology.

Mercer Films – September 2002-December 2003
Development Consultant and Producer for this independent feature production company. Slingshot – 2005 Tribeca FF.

Bottom of the 9th – April-September 2002
Camera and Production Sound Mixer (alternately) on this documentary about a New Jersey minor league baseball team with no major league club affiliation (in other words: a dead end for ball players). DGA Nominee – Best Documentary.

Making Marines – August-November 2001
Production Sound Mixer for this 3 hour Discovery Channel show about how Boot Camp changes recruits for better and worse.

Selected Personal Work:
May – May-Novemer 2004
Director and editor of this short film exploring what it means when the snowboard season ends.

“Southern Generals vs. Beefeaters” – November 2002-April 2003
Produced this short film about war as pageantry, delusion as creativity.

“Floater” – July 2001-April 2002
Wrote, produced and starred in this short about leisure and pleasant activities in the summer sun, degenerating into involuntary trampoline manslaughter.

"Light The Filter" – December 2000-July 2001
Wrote, produced, and directed this 20 minute film about an unemployed minor league baseball pitcher trying to quit smoking on the worst day of his life.

"Birds and Bees" – October-December 2000
Edited this NYU thesis film on the struggle between young love and fascist parents. First Run Film Festival 2001.

The Fool To Do It – March-August 2000
Directed and edited this dv documentary short about Bill Talen, AKA Reverend Billy, a New York performer and recent Obie Award Winner. NYU festival selection 2000.

“koro” – November-December 1999
Directed and edited this short film about the perils of life as a promiscuous pothead. NYU festival selection 1999.

“Manipulating Meat” – May 1999
This one-act play, which I wrote, was produced at The Red Room Theatre on East 4th Street, New York.

“The Three of Me” – April 1999
Monologue selected for publication in the book 21 Stories from the 7th Floor, Washington Square Press, New York.

Education:
New York University, Tisch School of the Arts
Undergraduate degrees in Film and Psychology. Dean’s list. I worked with digital non-linear editing (AVID and Final Cut), flatbed editing, and After-Effects as well as shooting on DVcam, miniDV, Betacam, and 16mm film. I also worked with the human mind.

References: Available upon request.

the irony of it all

2006-02-16T23:53:00.000-08:00

lately, when engaged in the tooth-brushing act, i've found myself thinking, "i'm using this hand to brush my teeth, but how can i use THIS HAND?"

the rest of the day i sit on the couch and tivo things to watch later and then i watch them.

i think about snowboarding.

a lot.

tomorrow is this and also my birthday so...

2006-02-12T23:14:00.000-08:00

i think the stars are perfectly aligned here in the old wood...

right?

fucking serious birthday party.

uggggggggh!

2006-02-08T00:19:00.000-08:00

no idea what to do for my berfday.

not from around here.

so busy with the shredding and the beach-sitting and the hanging out and the thought of collecting unemployment.

how do i do that?

someone must owe me something, right? like a state? no one owes me a state. of course. but doesn't some state owe me money?

regardless, what the fuck should a guy like me do for his birthday in LA?

it's always been in new york except that one in the virgin islands, which worked out pretty well.

unfortunately, i think this town is a whore. not sure how to handle that.

for now, going snowboarding tomorrow.

i spend every day in hollywood

2006-02-02T23:24:00.000-08:00

um, it's pretty rad. i bowl and surf and ride bikes and now tomorrow i go snowboarding. woot-woot!

i have no idea what that noise was.

maybe the medical-marijuana-pot-brownie?

i'm having a pretty good time here so far. no job in sight, but i can smell them around here. might join up with the border patrol. they have high tech shit and do loads of america protecting.

as far as telling you something interesting, i'm not sure i can comply. there's not much that i do around here, aside from dabbling in all sorts of leisure-type activities.

um... this documentary 'stevie' is completely insane. it's on ifc right now and i'm tripping on the weed and then this movie's gotta be on... with all the fucked things in this world, there are still some incredibly beautiful people. when people can say that they wish they didn't have to be so human, and i completely fucking buy it... kinda makes me think i'm a total fucker.

so, weed brownies...
bitches bailed on bowling tonight and now i'm on my couch crazy stoned. i want to hit the fucking lanes. this is killing me. my other friends are all the way out in venice, watching turtle-races in some weird bar. still other ones HAVE JOBS, the maniacs.

then there's this other shit in the movie that totally makes it blow. but still. try being a little less human, please.

spent last weekend in the oc, bitch. radness.

got a free wetsuit yesterday. ridiculous radness.

about the oc - well, they got nice beaches. waves.

oh wait! do you know that i live in an ewok village? i do. it's mystical and full of wonder. electric jazz guitar is not a good score for heavy emotional goodbyes in a fucking prison visit room. fuck that.

so but it's an ewok village WITHOUT EWOKS. instead we've got skunks and maybe coyotes. seen the skunks... a lot.

my vegan friend is trying to influence me, saying that she'll only marry a vegan... unless there are extenuating dietary circumstances or a majestic cultural connection to the land and one kills one's own food or only gets it from, like, sacred meat distributers.

i told her i lived on the navajo reservation one summer.

part indian.

think she's not gonna go for it.

we'd have the best looking kids.

though her mom and half-sister think we look like bro-sis. which means i'd be a pretty hot girl.

sweet! reassignment surgery, here i come!

express train to tranny-town!

fucking turtle races.

butt-head is so much more intelligent than beavis. it's almost scary how smart he is.

it's 92 stairs to my house. all outside, in trees and ewoks.

i love it.

and tomorrow, i'm fucking shredding. on my snowboard.

gotta go get drunk.

yeah, LA!

cram

2006-01-26T00:50:00.000-08:00

staying up late tonight, studying facts on charts. presidents, capitals, rivers, mythological beings...

tomorrow is the live, online, LA-area jeopardy try-out.

i'm gonna get on that shit. feel me at 11pm eastern time.

then i get to go into the studio for a real, live, personal try-out. if i get by the computer one. and then i get to make the money with my brain instead of with effort. and then i won't even need a job!

yeah!

cross them paws for me.

i don't know anything really, so i need luck.

know any magic? the ewoks are worhtless in this situation.

comedy not so funny

2006-01-24T02:52:00.000-08:00

what, to me, is the infinite humor of saying, "i live in hollywood," is to people in LA just another answer.

i know the questions though, and so i will try out for jeopardy on thursday.

lifelong dream.

more magic

2006-01-20T22:00:00.000-08:00

guess what's in my car...

firewood!

for my fireplace!

ha.

dad--->dude

2006-01-20T21:47:00.000-08:00

dude man, LA.

it's a rough life out here. seriously. i can't figure out my surfing and snowboarding schedule. it'll probably just work out on its own though.

yesterday was heavy. i went out for lunch. unpacked a little bit. laundry. started breaking in a new pair of jeans. went out with sarah jane and friends. she was going to cha cha's, which is also where dave reich had me meet him on tuesday. they both said it was like a new york bar. i'm not sure they remember new york very well. good times though.

it's all pretty good around here, around the treehouse. even outside of ewok-town things are full of magic.

the shopping carts have four-wheel steering.
the people are realy nice and even helpful.
i have to start remembering to get my parking validated.
i think i'll get a job in march or something.
i bought wooden bowls for fruits and vegetables.
i bought groceries for cooking.
there's some good snowboarding nearby.
there's a beach somewhere around here too.
now i'm gonna smoke a bowl and watch super troopers.

magic, all of it.

california king

2006-01-19T10:38:00.000-08:00

that is the size of my bed (and heart), so since i am but a small, tree-dwelling ewok, i need someone to share it with.

the current fantasy/hello los angeles/living in a tree-fort

2006-01-18T18:24:00.000-08:00

i drive in at sunset and the city smells like spent jet fuel. is that a sign? a bad one? don’t believe in ‘em.

so i ride into town under the power of my roof-rack jet-pack, after burning through the desert like a prairie fire, and i hit the traffic. not too bad, really.

when i get to where i think the house is, i get totally confused. let’s not forget that i’m anxious already, and that my house sounds remarkably similar to marlowe’s in the long goodbye, and that i'm demented from the road. the gate throws me off. i pictured one thing and here’s another (this will happen again). is this my gate. turns out, it is.

i go in and park and then stagger past some houses and paths as i climb up the 92 stairs to my house – right in the heart of ewok village. holy shit, i live in a treehouse. “crazy,” i think. and then, right after that, i think, “perfect.”

enchanted and whimsical shit must go on up here and i deserve to be a part of it.

the current fantasy is that i’ll stay here for at least two years. and by ‘here’ i mean the house but i’d settle for the entire state of california. just don’t let me slink back to new york again.

i bring some things up to the house and then michelle cancels on me because she’s been scheduled for early surgery tomorrow morning on some kind of animal (and also her “roommate” is freaking out), so i meet up with dave and tim and drink beer and talk about things like my house in the sky. then i have a “hollywood moment” – in walks a guy i haven’t seen in years, a hollywood actor type, and we recognize each other. we reacquaint ourselves and chatter and phone number exchange and he calls over another who i actually already have in my phone and wow look at that. is this what life is like here? strange.

the other guy and i are engaged in a heated debate over who lives in a crazier place when he brings up “the long goodbye” connection and i assure him it’s not that, because i’d thought that myself, and he thinks this girl there might live there so he calls over another girl to ask her if that girl is the one he’s thinking of, and it turns out she’s not. he introduces me to the other girl who, it turns out, i also know, from about 7 years ago. she is also a hollywood actor. do you think new york would still take me back now?

hollywood hollywood hollywood and then i learn that another friend of mine has just been cast in christopher guest’s new movie, and that’s awesome, and then hollywood hollywood hollywood, i eat some tacos and go home.

home?

and then today i carry boxes all afternoon. up all those stairs. by myself. now i know why the ewoks were a communal people.

a report from the field (desert): fuck a couple things

2006-01-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

fuck america. too big.

i am in tuscon. i drove 875 miles today.
fuck that.

yesterday i watched television.

the day before that was saturday, and i drove 430 miles, from baton rouge to austin. then that night i went austin-party-time with manny, who lives there and watched me get kicked off a riverboat casino in baton rouge back in october when we were shooting the swank movie. austin was the same as usual. before i got there, it took me 3 hours to travel five miles because the freeway was shut down due to some sort of catastrophe, and then there was an accident on the detour, forcing it down to one lane. the accident consisted of a tahoe or something veering off the road and down an embankment onto some swamp person's front yard. the swamp person and swamp family set up their lawn chairs and had an impromptu picnic around the wrecked car.

why?

also, fuck detours. and swamp people.

now even before that, other things happened, but nobody cares. fuck you.

HOTEL REVIEW: sheraton tuscon inn & suites

fuck starwood. i'm over them completely now. i need to find another parent company to patronize. they have that "sweet sleeper bed" service promise shit and i guess it's good that they have that because the bed is all they can consistently get right.

last time, i shower to find that i've been given not one towel. now the internet in this one isn't working and so i call the desk and they say they'll have someone right up to fix it and then call back instead to let me know that the internet doesn't work in my room. move across the hall. half-hour on the phone with their customer service and just like that - internet!

all for the paltry sum of too much money for shit like that.

sure, they get points for the bed, but they lose points for everything else, like being twenty minutes off the freeway and giving me directions like, "exit at kolb, and that turns into grant and we're on the right, just after beverly." no mention of the 15 miles of driving or anything. no bar.

not even waiting till the morning for this one, i'm just too damn passionate about it right now:

plus stuff
minus stuff

TOTAL: -TWO HUNDRED TWELVE POINTS
i hate seraton(s).
love the beds.

ok.

TOTAL: -TWO POINTS
pretty pretty pretty good.
just not good enough.
seriously, fuck starwood.

tomorrow i will be at my new home. i need to buy sheets for my enormous new bed. since i won't have them tomorrow night, i will covet the sheraton. fuck that.

wish me luck about how maybe this time my roommate won't end up in jail.

signing off with a list of amazing real signs i see:

SUN SALSA AND SOLDIERS Welcome to El Paso

BYOB NAKED HAREM Exit 24

Drive Friendly - The Texas Way

DIRT FOR SALE

and that thing about self-propelled machinery being prohibited on the freeway. what the fuck is "self-propelled machinery?" and whatever it is, fuck it.

-hollywood josh cole

hittin' the gravel - motel review two

2006-01-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

wall i wanna do is sleep. so fucking tired. couldn't even see last night by the time i started typing.

but this morning, i feel great.

sheraton read house, chattanooga,tn:

+8 point for the bed (firm yet tender)
+0 point for the staff (saved to nothing by this morning's room service guy)
+1 point for the food (tasty)
+1 point for wireless internet (freeing)
-1 point for how it just stops working occassionally (annoying)
-1 point for bar closing a ten (boring)
and
+1 point for the shower head (thumping)
+1 point for convex shower curtain rod (roomy)
+1 BONUS POINT for no leakage (warm and dry)
-1 point for wasting my time with a pointless welcome voicemail (my rate's $300/hour, bitches)
-1 point for view of a wall (what city is this?)
-3 points for showing how much i've been spoiled by my jobs (excessive)

+1 point for proximity to the choo-choo (chugga-chugga)

TOTAL: SEVEN POINTS
this will be the best place i sleep until my car is no longer serving as my closet and living room.

and wait...

-7 points for no fucking towels (sopping)

TOTAL: ZERO POINTS
fuck them.
but still, pretty, pretty, pretty good.
but still, fuck them.

hittin’ the gravel – day 2

2006-01-10T21:50:00.000-08:00

sheraton chattanooga has already slain the hampton of winchester. haven't even showered yet. or had my breakfast delivered. or slept on the softness. stay tuned for tomorrow's rating.

saw my aunt and uncle's farm of radness in the hillbilly country of ridge-runners and holler-folk. house should be ready in six months and it's gonna kill. bobcats and shit live up there.

you know how everyone's always talking about the mountains of virginia? yeah, they're ALWAYS talking about that shit, right? anyway, it's a real thing these mountains. older than granite.

the cows seem to have it pretty good in virginia until you realize that their only purpose is to get eaten.

everyone should drive across the country once.

no one should do it seven times.

mind is going millions.

in order to free up the right-front speaker, i have to stack shit up on the passenger seat. i put a baseball cap on it and call it my friend. always agrees with me.

a pick-up towing a camper shoots by me at 85 or something and i tell my friend, "that doesn't look safe."

the camper blows out a tire. almost pulls the pick-up into a gully.

no one is hurt.

my friend says nothing.

may and robert have an amazing thing in progress up on that mountain, in floyd, virginia. they show me the work-in-progress. i talk a lot, still on the coffee. i want to build myself a house. anything to not have to keep driving.

coffee is not a code word.

a bumper sticker tells me that "a good cowboy is packed like a can of biscuits."

?

a sign tells me that pedestrians, bicycles, mopeds, animals, and self-propelled machinery are prohibited on the interstate.

who's policing the animals?

what is a "self-propelled machine?" a robot? remote-control?

and what incident made this addendum to the rules necessary?

the headquarters of krystal burger is across the street from my hotel and i feel they owe me something for that aborted world hamburger eating chamionship show they were going to fund. i put my heart into that volcano of creativity. want to throw meat at them as they head into the office in the morning.

or just set up my own chamionship event in their lobby.

the sheraton people send me out for food and drinks at the only place in town that's open - the city market cafe and bar across the street at the DAYS INN. classy.

the locals are restless. hollering about peyton manning and the indianapolis colts football team and eventually asking me to settle a dispute about both. i do that and then listen to them talk about the girls of chattanooga not being cool enough to party.

dude, you can barely walk and you're at the days inn.

one guy does math: 22+15=37. that's the age of the baqrtender plus the age difference equals how old her "older man" was. the older man at the bar says, "so 38 would be even better?" when he leaves, she tells him to be careful getting acrocc the parking lot. he says, "i'm just the fourth door on the left." "What room is that?" "138." i have less an idea of whether her question was earnest than i believe the drunk man does at this point. i mean, i'm staying at the sheraton. but are they gonna do it? did i just watch him pick her up? wait, what did she say was her favorite garth brooks album?

i turned down more work today. thousands of dollars. fuck it, i'm committed.

committed to going to alabasma (new name) tomorrow day and the old rouge tomorrow night for a stint with the good few. i will sleep for days.

now i just sleep for tonight, in comfort, and dream of my wakey-wakey eggs and bakey.

america is huge and driving is fucked, but cruise control makes it like you're watching it on tv, which is kind of worse.

SONG OF THE DAY: "jacking the ball" - the sea and cake

off their first album, this jam has sunrise and roads written all over it. a little bit too positive for my tastes normally (and right now) but, at the time, it was perfect. sun rising over maountains, bombing down the freeway, slightly fucked up on coffee and not sleeping for a week.
"bring my car i feel to smash it" (obviously) also works for today.

hittin' the gravel - motel review one

2006-01-10T05:20:00.000-08:00

first of all, decided i should do this:

yesterday's SONG OF THE DAY: "sunshine and grease" - royal trux

aside from being the only song i played twice. it's got the apropos thematic thing going for it, and then there's the head nod-ability, and how i have no idea what herrema's saying in either of her verses, and it's always good when people decide to sing different things over top of each other.

and now...

hampton inn, winchester, va:

+1 point for shower head (thumping)
+1 point for convex shower curtain rod (roomy)
-1 point for effect of said rod on bath mat (sopping)
-1 point for how the sheets were rough on even my furry torso (chafing)
+1 point for the spunkiness of the graveyard shift desk boy (he's a lifeguard in the summer, queens!)
-1 point for how there was no dsl box in my room when i checked in (lies)
-1 point for the broken one he put in while i was out at the rolling paper shop (annoying)
+1 point for how spunky he was when he brought up the replacement (spunky)
+1 point for proximity to civil war battlefields! shenandoah! antietam! (northern aggression)
-1 point for no bar (boring)

TOTAL: ZERO POINTS

pretty, pretty, pretty good.

hittin' the gravel - day 1

2006-01-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

so, january 9th, 2006 and it's spring time in new york and to all of you who said i'd never really leave, i have this to say: i am in winchester, virginia.

not that i wasn't tempted to stay and drink all day in the sun, girls in their hotpants walking by and shit...

three hours cia-agent-dream-infested sleep and then i manage to leave right about rush hour, prepping for the freeway hokie-pokie...

car is filled up like a jenga box...

billboard in south-central PA reads, "you could start your own GUN LIBRARY with the money you'll save." it's an ad for an army/navy store. the CAPS are theirs.

pull into an applebee's in martinsburg, WV and head straight for the bathroom where i find a tiny man using a tiny urinal. installed for him? gonna check out some other applebee's establishments and see if this tiny urinal thing is standard.

teach me, america!

and so goodbye new york, i'll miss you.

and to all the people, i say one or more of the following to you (you choose which is/are yours. if you have a problem with it/them, feel free to drop me an email):

i'll miss you
you owe me __________
you're a fucker
i owe you__________
i'm sorry
thank you
i wish we could've spent more time together
you're insane
you're amazing
where are my pants, dick? i gave you so much valium
i love you

and so hello the south.

aunt and uncle's organic farm visit tomorrow, then tour some hurricane shit that i was too hollywood for last time, then drinking with the louisiana gang, then dallas for alex's swat team, then shooting across the desert like a fucking jet-car until i hit the ocean and drown like an aspiring actor.

turns out...

2005-12-29T00:16:00.000-08:00

the cookies are actually brownies and are poisonous to no one but my newly-diabetic father. i eat many of them.

there is christmas and all. family. dogs. gifts.

my car gets a servicing and is now ready to take its third (my seventh) transcontinental churn.

OPEN CALL...

co-pilot volunteer applications currently being accepted. i will cover all fuel expenses, and may even fly you home (or here if home is LA), if your application seems to merit my taking such steps.

now that i have just over a week left in new york, my plan is to tomorrow set about making a list of things i'll miss when i'm gone and then do/eat/see/make out with/take/get/go to/fuck every last one of them.

good luck out there, new york!

at my parents' house for christmas

2005-12-24T02:39:00.000-08:00

i walk in and see a festive-looking box of cookies on the dining room table.

upon this box, there is a post-it note, which reads:

these are to be eaten

seems like a trap.

i will not touch the cookies.

soaring throats now sore

2005-12-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

so i'm super-sick and not-gonna-leave-the-house feeling. cancelled my flight to seattle this morning. started a myspace account this afternoon.

yesterday i woke up with this insane throat situation. went to work and then left work to try to see a doctor. i somehow managed to swing a diagnosis over the phone from a doctor i'd never seen before and he called in a prescription for me: penecillin. so if i have strep, it'll cure it. if i don't, at least it'll cure my syphillis.

not so sure it's strep. hearing now that there's a viral thing going around. bird flu or something.

might need to actually go see a doctor tomorrow.

i'm itchy.

almost moving to LA in a few weeks. not really sure what to do with myself on this front. chime in and let me know what you think.

i already own a car.

funny jobs this week. secret mtv shoot. ad agency behind the scenes dvd shoot and edit. is there more to say about either of these? yes.

syphillis free in 93! or whatever year it is.

handjobs and misspellings

2005-12-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

i don't even pretend that this thing is worth anyone's time at this point, but search engines are making a last ditch effort to make me believe otherwise.

big love goes out to msn search, which once employed me to produce a very small aspect of the street team promotion of their launch, and is now throwing readers at me who love handjobs and people who think "soar" means physically sensitive... loves homophones. shit, all homos are ok by me. they even sent me a top five for "ritz carlton in hamptons." the fact that there isn't one probably helped my cause on that one - gotta love people from Coudersport, PA. stay in the poconos, idiot, they have heart-shaped tubs there! makes me think of nirvana song.

and handjobs never stop and certainly won't if i keep writing about them more when people end up finding me whilst searching for third base porn. who the fuck...?

tampa bay, san antonio, and sacramento is who the fuck. love you all out there. no idea how it all got started but love just the same.

and speaking of places, the ivory coast, germany, the UK, australia, canada, brazil, fucking india. all in the past month!? i guess i might really try harder. a little.

WITH THAT IN MIND:

text message update (august to now):

to michelle: i’ve just returned to the reserve after a hot day of work, when i find, stuck in my door, a blue piece of paper. an eviction notice? no. an invitation to a luau.

to rosen: your job is way better than mine. sure, i make 1700 a week... but i earn it so hard.

to marissa and others: evacuation! warner brothers has chartered us some jets. austin, texas here i come.

to timmy: i heart texas – it’s bigger than france!

to po: and i am thinking of you. warner brothers flew us out on a private jet. i’m so drunk and so hollywood. i miss ny.
from po: well if you’re drunk and still feeling smart it’s a good thing. when you come back i will kiss your face. and maybe some other things.
to po: until then you will haunt my dreams. and many of my waking hours. come visit?
from po:you are kidding? i would love to cometo the sweltering heat. and have you as my guide. be honest you never tried when i was in town. is it more memorable the farther you are?
to po: absence makes the heart... but i no joke. let’s make it happen.
from po: me to come there? how? when? why?

from sarah collins: shit man. the world is a vampire. does this mean you can come back please?
to sarah collins: i am a slave.

to ross: just leaving miracle place church. the lord maketh me hungry.

to sarah collins: riots! i have three guns and a numchuck. phone only text. primeval ninja lifestyle.
from sarah collins: shut up. rosen is scared.
to sc: rosen is scared? i’m the one wrestling pre-teens for snickers bars.
from sc: he said you got sent into danger zone. i want a snickers.

from dmitry: sarah wants you to loot something good for her wedding present.
to dmitry: i’m on it. fierce shit for everyone. compile a list.

to Jdub- god-damn riots.i have to shoot black kids to get through the parking lot of my sushi restaurant.

to MD- no one in baton rouge has even heard of fashion week.
from MD- we hung out with naima last night. where were you? silly.
to MD- oh naima, please wait for me. it’s only 5 weeks.

to marissa- take a pitsher of it fer me... so’s i kin remember janice’s young times and growin pains. rita comin ta git me. (9/22)...
this is insane. i’ve been sitting in a graveyard waiting to do an interview for the last two and a half hours. all i wanna do is go to hotlanta and party the hurricane away.

to alex- my peacock script is totally field of dreams.

from MD- dude that sounds amazing. i want to hear all about your rum diaries. meet me at shark bar.
to MD- i’m in baton rouge again. rum is nothing but a dream since i can’t remember anything.

to marissa/michelle- it seems that in puerto rico it’s not cool to dance with myself. come help me!
from michelle- in a hrtbt.
to michelle- i think you could be a poker champion, but you’ll still never get a postcard from me if youdon’t give me your address.
from michelle- how could i be a poker champion? (address)
to michelle- new cameraman just said, ‘there’s a lot of damage around here.’ well, we’re in new orleans. there was that hurricane. i hate him. how are you?

to everyone- there’s a debate right now as to whether it was an alligator that just swam past the talent boat. i was watching, and it was.
from Jdub- tell the nay betters to jump in.
MD- you kill me! i am jealous!
michelle- all we have in this life is trust in ourselves.
from mesinger- Be careful!
to mesinger- You should’ve sent me that warning before i went out with hopkins for his fucking birthday

from MD- dude, that camera dude. maybe you should light that shit on fire. it sounds like cape fear down there.

from michelle- REMIND ME NEVER TO GO TO RENO EVER AGAIN
michelle- i lost 3 bucks and my plane is sitting perfectly still

from DR- i’m in austin now – on tour with girls gone wild.

from MD- i just got your message. hilary swank? assistant. i need a job. i am bff with her stylist. i never know when people call. i hate this razor phone. when are you coming home?

from joel- you should be in n.carolina with me. it’s hilarious.
to joel- baton rouge is definitely funnier. but i miss your sweet smile.

from michelle- do you have access to a van?
to michelle- still don’t know why you’re asking, but i have so many vans.

from sarah collins- do you have a brother?

to manny- missy just booty-called me. ok, no. but she did get my number from dave. that’s gonna be a whole different kind of rodeo.
from manny- are you sure she wasn’t getting your # to make sure i was coming?
to manny- not sure, but fairly certain. take her though. i’m on the virgin temptress.

to DQ- no need for the van. girl stays in LA while i remain enthusiastic about sunday’s rodeo and craft fair.

from mckenna- still gaying large currently? my night dwindlzz...

from missy- are you at parrains? because some of my underwater photos are gonna be put up in the bar.
missy- did ya get crazy last night or what? i hardly remember ride home.
to missy- we will dive. we will snow. it will be magical. like wizards.
missy- later film dude. have a sweet flight. lookin forward to sno stuff wizard boy.
to missy- wizard-boy film-dude safe in new york. keep baton rouge rad for me.

to joel- are you on a job or cocaine?
joel- drugs and work don’t mix, josh. besides, i’m on valium and that’s not a drug. it’s medication.

from alex- cuff’d would’ve been really good.
to alex- are you joking?
from alex- what was the song playing over muzak speakers in the shitter at rest stop in new jersey?
to alex- take it to the limit... one more time.

from bingus- poker? blue ribbon?
to bingus- you’re hilarious.

from hector- i hate each and every one of you.

from sadie- Oooh yeah..Can I search your bag too baby?

to jesse g- There’s a girl who’s only seen me in airblaster shirts and she loves me. I owe you.
from jesse g- Give her a kiss for me.

to nicole- You should open a bed and breakfast. Although i slept the first two hours i was at work.

to megan d- i wanna do your cleanse sstarting tomorrow. I dirty.

from nicole- what are you doing?
to nicole- i’m looking at an osprey.

from eve- sweet dreams frisbee dog.
to eve- you too, sea otter.

to marissa- what if janice had a gramma (paternal) who liked you well enough but didn’t fully trust you to raise the kidso she wanted to take care of her sometimes?
from marissa- i never liked your mom...never trusted her with the kids
to marissa- Never trusted her with the kids? She raised me, didn’t she?
i got the scoop at kate’s. Everyone’s saying how you’re not a fit mother.

to j-dub- waiter/prophet at the regency?
from jdub- yee

from rosen- sorry for bugging you bro lets take pills and fly away.

from missy- you missed it. & you miss me. And dave says you want him too!
from missy- Licky, licky

from billy- magician on rivington. 10ish

from hector- Romantical hairy romantic adventure.

from garwood- Bummer u couldn’t get down here. Herbulator not keen on spending any extra so was a hard sell. Hasn’t been that fun tho – lots of work – although was thinking of u as I swam in the ocean in the rain yesterday. We miss you!
From garwood- Ur report on our new business was due on my desk last week and I still haven’t got it. U won’t graduate if I have 2 wait much longer!! Don’t flake on me now honey! U wanna be a zillionaire or not??

from sarah c- Wizard time
to sarah c- we are harnessing our powers...
to melanie- Your presence is requested in the wizard’s lair.
to sarah c- That old Jewish American Wizard Princess... I’m in a blizzard.

to melanie- Not swimming so much, just the taking in of saltiness, local foliage. Locals and their ways. That stuff.

from melanie- the OG! what?
to melanie- Because TS is the throbbing center of all of the city’s power. And... Timmy hearts the olive garden, while i have never been there. Adventure!

from melanie- so awesome right now. left reg key on your floor. need to get somehow before you leave me.
from melanie- oh drunkedy drunky high school reunion. so bad when sober or is it just always
to melanie- Reunion GOOD. snow driving after open-mic at a hunting saloon populated by half-ghosts BETTER.

to alex- Remember when we went out dancing? Seems so long ago.

to lisa- You were in the post for drinking. I was in the post for riding the subway. Something’s not right.

to marissa- Just rediscovered a violent femmes tape. 1996. Perfect for snow driving after open-mic at a hunting saloon populated by half-ghosts. Do you like american music?

to everyone- Do you want a leg... Or a gizzard? Gravy boat! Stay in the now!
from marissa- Dude, I cooked my first turkey!
to marissa- I’ll bet it’s moist and delicious. Like a gizzard.
from michael antonia- eew! tofurkey for me puleeze.
from piet- tofurkey
from jane- i just made cranberry sauce, from scratch, for real. it’s my dish.
to jane- and yer my dish, bitter cranberry girl.
from melanie- I’m already sunk. drifting away... in coma. preparing for more later. packin on the lbs!
to melanie- yer already so huge! it’s ok though. insulate for the coming winter. I got beardsicled out on the mountain today! then i shaved! indians!
from wesleigh- come over here. we have so many gizzards!
to wesleigh- love to, but up in VT with the whorses. Back next week.
from mikey- I want your thighs dark meat only please for now
from manny- I want it all! Tell d-dogg happy birthday 4 me.
from adam barth- Oh yeah, tofurkey baby! Enjoy yosefus
from garwood- U are out of your goddamn mind
to garwood- just in my element, babe.
from missy- happy t day to you! This year kinda sucks-my mom died yesterday
to missy- no words. big heart to you.
from greg mckenna- now I am in your cell phone, causing damage like cocoa butter.
from phil- left-overs with bat hits oh my!
from missy- sorry if i freaked you out. Hope you had a good t-day.

to melanie- How thoughtful of you to call, though there was no reason to apologize... You’re a lady about town and can’t be expected to drop the nightlife for the call of a mountain man.
from melanie- aw please! don’t underestimate the appeal of a mtn man vs nyc nightlife!

to marissa- Don’t you owe me 20 dollars, deadbeat-mom? Also, summer school is a kick-ass movie.

to jill, brandon, marissa- Scotch Tape. My car. Know anything?
from jill- Huh?
from brandon- Nope
from marissa- I know nothing. (this was, apparantly, a "joke")

to sebastian- Congo? Malaria? Yellow fever?

to piet- tomorrow we kayak into the sea.

to luke- party is a nightmare. not recommended
from luke- i was there for exactly one second.

MAKE SENSE OF THE MORE CRYPTIC ONES AND WIN A PRIZE... tbd

sound comes from televisions on thanksgiving - vindaloo-style (LATE EMAIL TRANSCRIPTION)

2005-12-01T11:55:00.000-08:00

and so it goes that i have done a bit more knobbing. this time of the hob- variety, but still with the twisting of them.

new show.
sundance channel.
iconoclasts.
i did episodes 2 and 3 - this thursday (thanksgiving) and next.
they will air repeatedly on the old sundanceroo.
check your local listings.

ep. 2 features tom ford and jeff koons.
ep. 3 has brian grazer and sumner redstone.

these were the first two episodes that were shot for the series and, immediately after we finished them, the director was fired. so i guess they might not be all that strong. my guess has little to do with the fact of his firing – i was there.

watch tv around the fire with your family on thanksgiving, all bloated with indian food, and flip to the sundance channel so you and all the little ones can watch tom and jeff basically discuss sex for an hour.

i won’t be watching it because i am isolated in the northwoods cabin of my forebears surrounded by a herd of angry horses... they want our pumpkin pie, i think, but each time i throw it at them they just get more angry. we are boarding up all the windows and i am sending this email from my satellite-phone. if anyone gets it, they should call the vermont state police and let them know about all the horses. there must be at least five of them.

i’m planning to beat the beasts back with a turducken drumstick in the morning so i can go snowboarding tomorrow and then i’ll come back for eating and stuff, but you can watch tv.

watch the preview here...
http://www.radicalmedia.com/newwork/?show=23-iconoclasts
...if you want.

oh, and if anyone has any ideas for me – like job offers or house-sitting gigs in exotic locales – please let me know as i’ve reached my annual crossroads.

basting,
joshua c. cole

ps- happy thanksgiving. put on some weight. insulate yourselves.

shredded. turkey.

2005-11-25T12:27:00.000-08:00

snowboarding today and my legs feel like jelly but i stuck my rail line and it was rad.

after a couple of runs though, i started compensating for my left leg weakness by putting my weight a little forward so it seemed like my edges were hooking and i needed to de-tune the nose... but let's not get all tech here, i was basically just a lazy fuck for the past year and so now...

...now i eat.

earlier we took our family photo for christmas cards and it was a goddamn comedy troop's wet dream. jesus is comin'!

then there's last night, and a "saloon" where my brother and his fiancé introduced me to an open mic night where all the performers and observers were at least half ghost. crazy. really. they all died and still come to the open mic night dressed in the fashions of the time of their deaths and jamming out the tunes of their demise-times. loves it. making a movie about it. eating food.

oooo. we figured out the bachelor party basics - theme and location - now all that's left is the guest list...

snowboarding again tomorrow. always.

new career options

2005-11-22T21:23:00.000-08:00

so i haven't had a headache in a month or so but that hasn't stopped me from starting.

back in new york since october 26th sans work so much equals partytime and no typing.

now i'm in vermont for a week of holiday detox with the fam. my mother tells me that my dad has a vision of my brother and i building "vacation homes" (?) on some of the land they got when buying the house across the street, which they call The House House, because the previous owner was named House, apparantly...

call me lazy, but why the fuck would i build a house across the street from my parents' house when i can just stay at theirs anyway? and my brother lives like an hour away, so what the fuck kind of vacation is that?

i think in an effort to set the wheels in motion my dad mentions that burlington is a huge growth market in need of competent production and ad people.

i
do
not
want
to
live
up
here.

swarms of flies.

neg-30degrees.

half-a-year of each. each year.

but i guess there's this...

...and that's pretty rad. if you're a dog.

of course now that it's hunting season, the dog has to wear an orange vest all the time so it doesn't get shot like the last dog my parents had.

i want to rehash some new york shit - and there's been a lot of it, along with the whole end of BR reaping that was wrought - but i'm gonna do a quick list and then sleep because I'M GOING SNOWBOARDING TOMORROW.

partied about leaving
partied about returning
partied about costumes
partied
partied about partying
worked two days
partied about not having to work anymore
partied and met a girl
partied with this girl
snowboarding tomorrow...

meals ready to eat

2005-10-17T03:14:00.000-07:00

i am now the proud owner of an MRE, thanks to my new local friend, dave.

it is a brown pouch, menu no. 19, beef roast with vegetables, and flameless ration heaters are prohibited on commercial airlines unless in original MRE menu bag.

missed the yacht race and the rodeo - night shoot, cases of wine, etc.

rodeo still exists next weekend and i've already booked tickets.

derek is gone since friday until tuesday.

and, also courtesy of my new friend, i will definitely play deaf next time i go to jail.

i mean, if i ever go to jail.

details when i don't have a headache.

guess where i still am?

2005-10-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

yeah.

baton rouge.

seemed like i was on a roll with this bloggering but then i hit up nyc for fifty hours of much needed. by the end though, my 'puter was broken and so no write.

now that it's fixed i feel comfortable conveying that things have changed here and still aren't so good.

did fly on a gulfstream to puerto rico and hollywood-out for a few days.

and other things.

going to angola prison rodeo in four days, hopefully with this cute blonde bartendress named blaire, age 20. with or without her though, i will surely buy hundreds of dollars worth of prisoner arts and crafts to tide over my gift-giving needs for at least through christmas.

you should see some of these dog paintings and hammered tin bling.

you should also see this...

huge pics limit power of handjob

2005-09-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

so big.

so so big.

really, so big in fact that i have to really ask that whoever may be looking at this scroll right past them and learn about my magical number 13 yahoo search result for a sad iowan.

so big that i have to press enter

a

few

more

times

to

ensure

that

their

"sizeliness"

doesn't

infringe

upon

my

sidebar

link

visibility.

search engine update

2005-09-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

google does not list me in the top twenty for the aforementioned handjob hunt, thus they are better than yahoo at their job, yet also far worse.

and here, two phone pics from my journey thusfar, one from austin about how rock and roll it is there and one from a roadside shopping stand near where we shoot every weekday and i want to spend hundreds of dollars...

can you believe it!?

2005-09-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

my little blog is number 13 in a yahoo search for "males being jacked off."

it's hard to understand why, but who cares? i'm celebrating regardless.

i am in love with stat-counter for showing me that someone linked to my blog from that magical search for handjobs on the internet. and guess where this little visitor came from... fort dodge, iowa! that's where fort dodge laboratories is based, and fdl are the pharmaceutical geniuses behind my 1995-6 narcotic delerium. that's right, ladies and gentlemen, the origin of feline-grade bottles of ketamine-hydrochloride is the same as that of handjob web-searchers who end up reading about my fucking life in red stick.

speaking of my life, wow! it's boring here.

i have absolutely nothing to report about my job aside from that we're back at it, loafing is not allowed in these parts (by law), there was a dude riding supine in the back of a u-haul, stop drop and roll doesn't work in hell was a bumper sticker, and i still haven't been paid a dime, but i do get to go home for the coming weekend - totally broke.

also - may have box seats to LSU football via the lovely and helpful BR native sarah-jane, who wouldn't wish my predicament (being here at all) on anyone.

NEW SAYING:
evacuated to baton rouge
like "up shit creek" or "gone to hell" or "totally fucked" just more evocative.

thurdsay/the return

2005-09-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

thursday – woke up and breakfasted in the hotel restaurant before boarding busses bound for our champion air flight. then the shit began to fly. chinese whispers or no, it sounds like we’re on our way to a war-zone. the mayor is on tv talking about br not becoming a lawless city. that’s not a good thing to hear. betsy and lawrence have no power in their buildings so they’ll be staying with me and graham. people are being jacked for water and diapers and shit. it’s like an old west frontier town/refugee camp and the first thing on the agenda when we land, if we ever take off (champion may refer to their status w/r/t mechanical difficulties, it now appears), is to git us some firearms. mikey asks, pack heat on set? pack heat in fucking bed, i say. pack heat everywhere.
the busses are standing by in the lot outside the charter terminal, i assume to truck us back to the omni before they send us all back home so we can survive and live to make another film.
no one thinks we should be going back. and yes, that includes me.
champion is my champion if... oops, they’re not. here we board. off to the capillaries of darkness.

it’s as if we’re a team of relief workers being flown into this devastated area, except we’re actually just going to try to avoid the entire reality of the situation, in the interest of making a movie.
sick.

doesn’t seem like herb’s going to be making a speech on this particular flight. what would he say, after all? oh, maybe this:
“I would like to let you all know that I appreciate your patience in dealing with our scheduling disruption. I know it can be difficult not knowing from day to day where you will be sleeping and when you can get back to work, so thank you again for how well you handled that. Now we are headed back, moving on, and this film will be made, come hell or high water... Oh yeah, it came... So, right... Anyway, we’ve got kevlar body armor on order and we’ll be issuing assault rifles to all of the PAs and drivers. the rest of the crew will be receiving sidearms. you can choose between a variety of 9mm semi-automatic pieces and some larger caliber six-shooter types. for those of you without power in your apartments, you may be thinking that this is a bad thing, but i assure you it is not, as it lessens the chances of your residence being “house-jacked” by displaced refugee families with nothing to lose. for those of you with electricity, may i suggest that you do not ever have your lights on, as that would indicate to potential usurpers that it is a place of energy. oh wait, maybe you should have lights so desperate refugees who couldn’t care less about power and are merely seeking shelter won’t just barge in thinking the place vacant. i don’t know. i guess i’ll just leave that decision up to you. as far as food and water is concerned, it’s sort of catch as catch can around most of southern louisiana. so good luck, but make sure to save some rounds for the heavily armed roving gangs of looters. once again, thanks for bearing with us. i really appreciate how we’ve all stuck together... which reminds me, we should all use the buddy system when out on these lalwless streets. so, thank you, good luck... i think that’s it. let’s make a movie!”

and then, as we’re on our approach, he actually does make a speech, mentions the buddy system, says there are problems near the tent-city downtown and that we should avoid it, but mostly what concerns him is that he won’t be able to visit the casino. he ends it with an honest-sounding statement about if conditions deteriorate, we’ll reconsider our plan, but for now “let’s do what we do.”

as soon as we disembark, our bus driver at the airport tells us to get in our cars and go immediately home without stopping anywhere or setting foot outside thereafter. “lock your doors.”

back at the reserve, all seems well. ac cranks, cable transmits, water runs.

i will play a little basketball and then eat at hooters? i guess?

i learn i won’t be paid, like the check won’t even go out until the end of next week. so i won’t have the money in my account for two weeks, which cuts my credit card payments pretty close. as it stands now, once my rent check is deposited and my coned and citi and amex payments go through, i’ll have 30 dollars more than my account minimum. tight is how i like it. of course, soon after i’ll be rich.

i shoot with ross and he shreds me four consecutive matches of horse. my knee hurts. i have to get that fucking brace. then it is hooters indeed. no one shoots or rapes us. it seems the whole chaos theory was a bunch of fucking hoo-hah.

now tired. gotta get up early for potential shoot tomorrow. documenting the damage assessment. yippee. yahoo. then it’ll be budget party-time for the big holiday weekend.

also, i will shred ross on the court tomorrow.

just realized i might run out of valium on this job – a catastrophe on par with the city of new orleans.

katrina ain’t my girlfriend no more

2005-08-31T14:33:00.000-07:00

so, i lived in my own two-bedroom, 1200 sq. ft. apartment for a week, and then, because of budget restrictions and general reasonable behavior, i am now sharing a two-bed place with a man who just said, "i've never done a hurricane." we might just get one in a couple days. katrina, i think. i once slept with a girl named katrina. my flat-mate is a fifty year-old british camera-man. he's a drunk and loves cocaine. amazing. his name is graham day and he has "a thing for munchkins." like our waitress tonight and the publicist on our film.

i sweat. i sleep while graham lights our kitchen on fire the other day. he also put the fire out. our associate producer (read: everyone's bitch) thinks i hate her - possibly because i think she's completely neurotic and obnoxious, but i don't hate her. people are too sensitive. i am though the only person on the crew who can remember her name. everyone calls her betty or becky. her name is betsy. my original apartment had a left-handed can-opener.

i may be in louisiana until november. i will have grossed $18,000.

that means vacation-time. central american safari. luaus. california.

i need fun. and bonus summer. and a hurricane.

i shaved for the first time in three weeks.

i watched katrina on the weather channel.

i tried to convince graham that a coke run to nawlins was a bad idea but he went regardless.

i read my loooziana book –all the king’s men.

i was invited to and attended a screening of the 40 year-old virgin.

it was funny.

boners.
i took the producer’s assistant, kelly, to a small rock club in downtown red stick.

loved a band called bones.

talked to them about doing a documentary about the red stick music scene.

they seemed excited and gave me a cd.

the other band i’m interested in filming is a cover band that plays three sets a night – 70’s 80’s and 90’s – with the appropriate costume changes (gold spandex bell-bottoms for one).

kelly and i then went to meet the crew at an unreal club called sogo’s which had exactly the same music, lighting, and clientele as altitude in lake tahoe.

i walked in and to the bar and was immediately fondled by a ridiculously cute and surprisingly coherent and witty southern girl.

she abandoned me after fifteen minutes of potential... for her giant, bald boyfriend.

sogo’s closed.

some people were missing.

we found them in the riverboat casino, but the guards wouldn’t let me in because they thought i had someone else’s ID since in the photo i’ve got a beard and today i shaved.

people yelled at the guards for being ridiculous.

they eventually let me in but requested that next time i visit i bring a second photo identification.

i won 95 dollars at the blackjack table.

fuck those security guards.

at 330 we found a mexican place that closed at 3 but still made us burritos.

i came home to my apartment and ate my burrito.

tomoorw i shoot a church where they are looking to sanctify one of their former preists, whose relics can heal and miracle all over the place.

then we board our chartered evacuation jet to austin.

did you hear that?

yes, it’s a chartered jet that’s evacuating me.

once in a lifetime.

AND NOW DAY FOUR IN AUSTIN:

it's a fucking vacation that has taught me one thing - my life in new york was like a strip club where everything is comped.

also, jesus, that was some fucking 'cane.

sorry to the people. curious about the refugee camp we'll be returning to whenever it is that we return.

excuse us, you homeless hungry and devastated people, but we must return to the very serious business of making us a big hollywood movie!

but not until FEMA gives us our generators back.

oooo, and they mentioned us on tv a lot. we're famous! we were evacuated! we work with the swank!

dispatch from the outskirts of hell - day 9

2005-08-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

i may have fucked myself. i am on my ninth day of what could possibly end up being 70. why am i here? someone asked me to come and do sound on a project and it wasn't in africa. baton rouge in august might be worse. and that's where i am.

i sweat. i mouth-breathe. things go on around me and i smile at the movie-star, hoping to make her comfortable with us - the behind-the-scenes documentary crew.

the ten-day forcast calls for a continuation of the exact same weather we've had every single day: highs in the upper 90's, 90% humidity, scattered thunderstorms.

i cannot release any major details as i am bound by professional courtesy. we did film a powerful hollywood man's butt-crack today. hoorah!

also - i want to collect my sweat for a day and see how many buckets it fills. i guess two and a half buckets. i'll get a PA on the case tomorrow.

let's be honest-part 2 (1998)

2005-08-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

THIS IS THE SECOND IN A SERIES OF ME CHRONICLING MY EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

i am not qualified to do most of the things that i do for money.

when i look back on it, it seems that i used to be, but with time and the aspiration to do intersting work i have recently found myself in situations i am ill-prepared for.

so, starting from where i left off, lemme splain:

Job: maid at the Alder Inn, South Lake Tahoe, CA - January 2-3, 1998
Expected Skills/Knowledge/Training/Attributes: be able to vacuum, make a bed, tidy up, have no pride, no math needed.
Actual Qualifications: burdened with some latent obsessive/compulsive tendencies, inherited, i am pretty well suited to this task. unfortunately, my life up until now has not broken me nearly enough to be content at minimum wage and picking up giant chunks of food left behind by people who don't even finish their natural ice twelver - so, overqualified again, i guess.
The Experience: Short. I nabbed the job with a quick interview on Christmas Eve, then went home for a week, and returned on New Year's Day. January 2 and I start it up, and like a fire built of only dry old pine needles it blazes hot and dies quickly, and I am left a housekeeping burnout. I show up 45 minutes late on the first day, am not reprimanded in the least, and still vow that i will work there no more than two weeks. This ends up being one of the few proclamations I have ever made that actually comes true. On my second day I show up a half our late and think that this (along with yesterday's tardiness and my intentions of retiring from the profession) makes me a cool motherfucker. I do clean toilets though. Not so cool there. My second day does net me one Coors Light and two Meister Braus (the sludge of beer), and 26 pennies (a tip?). I plan on working the next day, a Sunday, and then giving her a weeks notice and telling her I also won't be working the next two days.
Result: Instead of going in to work on that third day, I call in snowy. 2 feet of fresh at 6am when I'm supposed to be headed in to scrub toilets for $5.25 an hour means I'm going snowboarding. I tell the boss as much over the phone and she asks me not to come in for the rest of the week, and tells me she'll call if it's going to be busy on the weekend. I never hear from her again, but one day, a month later, I stroll into her office, too broke to buy ramen or the makings for my daily grilled cheeses, and she has the $40 check ready and waiting for me. Amazing. I apologize sheepishly for my irresponsible behavior and never see her again.
Music: the death rattle of a small dog. or is that the sound of a large bong being sucked on?

Job: counter boy/barista/baker?, embassey vacation resort, South Lake Tahoe, CA, late-January through mid-March 1998
Expected Skills/Knowledge/Training/Attributes: make coffee, use ovens, be nice, look nice, shave every day or two, some math.
Actual Qualifications: a little weak on the shearing tip, but this was never made clear to me until well after i had been hired.
The Experience: i find a home here, make friends with the other resort staff quickly (by proffering free lattes and shit), bake amazing white chocolate macadamia cookies, get reprimanded for my beard, get my friend a job working with me and then quit after a couple months because i want a month free of work before i head back east. i also really get my espresso skills honed to the razor-edge of a precise surgical-caliber implement.
Result: i learn that cage dancers DO NOT make good girlfriends for valets. i snowboard every day. i return to my parents as broke as i was when i left.
Music: muzak.

Job: office production assistant/2nd assistant editor, corra films, inc., ny,ny (tribeca), june through august 1998
Expected Skills/Knowledge/Training/Attributes: an interest in film production, the strength to lift things and carry them, can touch computers without breaking them.
Actual Qualifications: got 'em all. plus, it turns out i can choose really sweet textures of paper to shoot as backgrounds.
The Experience: i learn tons of stuff and get fired and rehired before i even hear about being fired. the boss's girlfriend is about my age and he is twice it. she and i and the office manager (female) and her friend (female) and two of my friends (males) go out for a night of heavy drinking. nothing happens but then on monday, from south dakota, my boss tells the office manager to fire me. she does not. the next day he calls and asks if she fired me. she says no. he says good. at the end of work that day she lets me know that i was fired yesterday, but i shouldn't worry about it because i was rehired today.
Result: i somehow still think that working in film is ok, even though it's fairly obvious that everyone is crazy. i have some money saved for my first semester in college. i have film experience.
Music: i am introduced to palace and fall in love instantly with all of oldham's incarnations. this signals the beginning of my six year depression.

Job: PA, john leguizamo's "freak," hbo, ny,ny, last week of august 1998.
Expected Skills/Knowledge/Training/Attributes: know how to fill up a cooler, distribute and collect walkie talkies, do what they tell you, no matter how ridiculous-sounding, without a word of complaint, work on three hours of sleep.
Actual Qualifications: i'm young and willing and think that maybe i'll get to learn something useful.
The Experience: i meet some interesting people and tell a joke that makes spike lee laugh. it is a joke about white people. on the last day of the shoot, three of us are sent driving in a circle around the island of manhattan in a nearly empty cube truck to drop off seven or eight items at exactly rush hour. upon completing our tasks, as outlined by the production coordinator, without any slacking off whatsoever, we are brought into the office and harshly reprimanded for taking so long. the production manager yells at us and then retreats to her office where we hear yammering and the unmistakable snorting of lines. then the bug-eyed coordinator comes out and blabbers almost incoherently about schedules and things. we explain that we did exactly what was asked of us, and her frustration boils over to the point that i start giggling because i'm pretty stoned and she looks like a crack-whore trying to get money from another junkie who clearly doesn't have any money and is heavily on the nod and really can't hear a word of it. eventually we just turn and walk out. my pager(!) goes off about twenty minutes later and i call the number and the PM is crying. "we liked you a lot and this just hurts so much!" she can barely get the words out, "i don't know what happened. where did it go so wrong?" i tell her that i don't know, but i never meant to hurt anyone, i was just doing what i was told. i hang up and never speak to any of those maniacs again.
Result: i somehow am still interested in working in film. i will PA on and off for the next 6 and a half years, when i will officially retire. i have a little bonus cash to spend during the first weeks of college, which, it turns out, includes nothing but partying. sweet.
Music: "Cocaine Decisions" by Frank Zappa. right?

now i don't work anymore and just go to college for the rest of the year. there will be a whole different honesty series devoted to this phase.

volcano!

2005-07-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

back at the post house, which has offered me a full-time job that i may very well accept. who knows?

so much has happened.

africa team left yesterday. i stayed here. worked on a sundance channel show, 'iconoclasts' mixing sound. badly. not my fault. the director was, according to the producer, 'a douchebag.' i concur.

keep an eye out for the sci-fi channel flick 'volcano' with the hot girl from thailand, 'tornado!' has ernie hudson and BRUCE FUCKING CAMPBELL. loves it. getting paid to watch it right now, on valium, drinking stella. 25 dollars an hour.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

song lyric goes something like this- "a flock of birds fills the sky, we'll fill 'em full of buckshot."

who the fuck sings that? i need to know.

MONEY UPDATE:

worked a lot. paychecks are slow to arrive. spending like i already got them and will always be getting them. maybe should take the fulltime gig. never had a real job before. closest thing was high school.

FEMALE UPDATE:

haven't slept with any exes lately. did sleep with a secret girl. met a tiny texan. she's cute but don't know her deal yet and my impression so far is kinda neg. also met a potential awesome one. supposed to hang out with her this weekend. she may not be into me. seemed reluctant to give me her number, but then excited to get my call, but then not calling me back today. hm.

siren fest tomorrow. pills and booze and the beach. then the look, massacre. they have serious beef with svedka. The Look will rule New York Saturday Nights. if i have anything to do with it. and i don't

the best ritz-carlton in the area

2005-07-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

a week and a half later and so much to share. so much to keep a secret.

i've worked four different jobs in the last ten days, with two of those days spent entirely at the beach.

one day on this comedy central reality pilot and that was enough. no idea what to say about it. here - comedians aren't particularly funny until they start making fun of other comedians.

then two more battlegrounds days. still love basketball, being a part of a phalanx that communicates through osmosis, and flirting with the girls on set when i'm really sweaty and gross.

then THE BEST JOB OF MY LIFE:

i met stevie wonder after watching him perform. i shook his hand. spoke a sentence. he responded. i was paid for this. also i met jennifer connelly, naomi watts, beyonce, al sharpton, russell simmons, and partied with the black eyed peas and rob thomas(!?), and made natalie portman laugh.

did i mention that i met stevie wonder? holy shit. i had to call my parents and tell them even before it happened because i had already seen his set and it knocked me the fuck out. unreal.

the night before, at the ritz's bar, i made friends with this regular, and she went on to produce such gems as the titular "this is the best ritz-carlton in the area." the question is, of course, how many are there in the philly metro area?

i was drunk and, when he returned to the hotel at about 1am, i told the reverand al to keep slapping that donkey. "oh, i plan to, son. i plan to."

then i went to the hamptons, but not before sleeping with my ex-girlfriend again. ew. stop that.

afreaka, i'm sorry

2005-06-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

i decided that i can just as easily get killed riding my bike through midtown at rush hour, so why the fuck should i go to africa? on top of which, i'm making a film about the world hamburger-eating championship, and if that doesn’t do something to better our sad globe, i don’t know what will.

i worked for like two weeks straight and then i drank for about a week and now i'm going to work again, starting a few hours ago, for the next four days. they're getting me in for one or two more battlegrounds days this weekend, and then monday i'm filling in for old ryan kennedy on a comedy central shoot managed by old susie sklar of battlegrounds 2003.

today, since i'm writing this, it's probably obvious where i'm working - edit-town usa. best job ever. got to watch an incredibly hot girl in an amazing role as a hot girl who is made of fire or something so she really is hot. she's from thailand (i did the research on that one). she's got super-cute freckles, she's skinny and never talks in the whole movie. amazing. the movie's called "volcano: nature unleashed" and it'll be on the sci-fi channel at some point. my favorite scene, i think, is the one with the lake - complete nonsense.

now it's some behind-the-scenes mtv trl shit on the set of the tenacious d movie that i didn't even know was being shot and now that i do know it, my life hasn't changed a bit - as if the film never existed, i will never watch it.