heist!

it premieres on nbc tonight, apparently, but for now, i sit on its set while they do shots with a dog that are taking a long time. i have a very important video playback operation to attend to when they want it. soomeone made it. i put it on the prop computer. it is a screen with a password box. type in the password and bingo! up pop two windows full of secret information.

this will probably not happen until after midnight. i got here at 2:30, so the real heist is me, taking the paycheck for sitting around waiting to make my movie magic.

meanwhile, i have made tentative plans for the next two months:

maybe work tomorrow

shoot jeremy's pilot this weekend

maybe work monday, maybe just get a yellow fever shot or something

haircut on tuesday

meet with mtv executive producer later on tuesday and try to sell him a show or two.

maybe work wednesday

go to arizona thursday through sunday for the collins-apodaca wedding festivities

then the first week of april i think i may work a little, hang out with my cousin(s), and then go to tahoe for a week.

then i'll come back and go to thailand.

then azerbaijan.

then uganda.

then i'll come home for a week, maybe pick up some work.

then driving from the border all the way down to the tip of baja with michelle.

then i'll come back and try to work again, i guess.

that'll be around may 20th.

not

bad.

i am remote controlled by courtney cox

the price: 45 an hour.

i get paid that much.

she presses play on a prop remote control, and i make a dvd play on the tv.

she presses pause, and i pause it.

i am good at this.

so my job today was to play a dvd. like, to press play. i do that at home all the time!

when the director says, "i need more porno," he's talking to me. a new cue. amazing.

i have found the perfect gig.

SECOND PERFECT GIG:

offered to me today. 23 days. los angeles to new york to london to azerbaijan to london to uganda to dubai to thailand to los angeles. we wrap in thailand, where i will stay on for a week of tranny hookers. and by the way, if you hadn't noticed, i am going around the world very literally.

apparently i've done something right at some point. if not, shit's going to fall apart for me at some point. dramatically. dangerously. possibly, uh, explosions will be involved. probably though, i've done something right at some point. don't know what it is...

uh... no. i got nothing.

4 continents in 3 weeks.

the production pays for my yellow fever vaccination.

this is my second chance to go to africa in the past 9 months and i will not walk away from it. asia and eastern europe/right-next-to-iran are also involved to aid in my process of not even considering saying no for a second. and when their money offer is 150% of what i'd decided was the absolute cheapest i'd do it for, well, that really clinched it.

AMAZING LIFE KEEP ON LIVING!

hopefully my friend luke will be along for the ride, but really though, i don't care.

we leave in 3 1/2 weeks, so i should get my vaccinations etc. in about two weeks ago. perfect! let's go!

the deal is, a week ago i was pretty sure i was gonna go broke or get a job at a restaurant or something. and now all this. and i'm working again tomorrow and thursday, probably pressing play or something, and then, dude, a haircut and a wedding and a round the world. it always happens. gonna go broke, then, magically appearing in my phonepiece - justin wilkes, my hero, with another job worthy of someone of my caliber. or really though, probably someone way harder than me. i mean, have you felt these soft hands i keep harping on?

never worked a day in his life.

come on, tell me i don't deserve it.

i will agree.

then i will shrug.

and smile.

and then bring, to those who deserve them, wonderful gifts from around the world.

did i mention that i envision all of my travels to be by private jet?

did i?

might not heppen, but still... bangkok to baku? baku to kampala? i don't believe they have direct flights.

did i even say what the job was?

(beware: redemption)

a series of short docs and PSAs about a united nations program that supplies athletic equipment to those in refugee camps.

did that redeem me?

no?

go ahead, tell me what i really deserve.

he's never worked a day in his life

yeah, i don't know who that guy is, but it's not me, dude.

i worked a day on friday.

and i'm working another one tomorrow.

that makes two days.

out of five.

so i've worked at least two days in my life.

and two this year even!

still have soft, regal hands though.

on a roll...

man in me

dude, that man came out as i put in a completely dishonest day's work.

made money.

worked like for real ten minutes, plus a half hour of setup and breakdown.

made way too much money.

keep an eye out for some magical visual effects involving a head in the pilot for the tv show DIRT. if it ever airs.

i had very little to do with making it happen, but was there to facilitate its happening and did that effectively.

i am a professional man.

might even work again next week.

souper tuesday!

holy shit!

so in the interest of procuring gainful employment, i made that soup today.

let me just say that making a soup is more than making a thing, it's making one feel like a thing. in this case, a witch.

cauldren bubbles, steam rises, goats shiver, and i howl at the moon as children dance naked around the fire, hoping to conjure the spirit of river phoenix to come and save hollywood from gay cowboy movies and bring it back to it's roots - gay hustler movies.

soup's delicious, i'm still vegan (but isn't there some sort of probationary period that has to pass before i can claim the title, like between election and inauguration?), and instead of doing anything productive this evening, i am drinking a bottle of wine and watching the entire first season of arrested development.

bring on episode 7!

only 15 to go... full reviews of each will appear here never.

just know that family comes first and you should always keep a key in your lower intestine to catch a shiv. and that tricks are what prostitutes do for money. or for cocaine!

one for the world

seriously, let's pretend...

that makes no fucking sense.

so, say it like this... i got one for people who couldn't give a fuck about me/have no idea who i am. you can read this and it requires no backstory, no personal relationship to the author. it's a goddamn 3-legged chair. not even a wobble.

here goes:

buy the cd entitled TROPICALIA.

it's a sampling of brazilian jams from like 1968-70.

so good.

...and, scene.

lady doctor vegan recipe #1

Lentil Soup

2 medium carrots, cut into 1/4-inch dice
2 celery ribs, cut into 1/4-inch dice
3 garlic cloves, chopped fine
1 medium onion, chopped fine
olive oil
1 pound lentilles
8 cups vegetable broth or water plus broth cubes.
1 can diced tomatoes
3-4 leaves of chard, chopped

In a 3- 6-quart pot, saute carrots, celery, garlic,
and onion in olive oil over moderate heat, stirring
frequently, until onion is softened, about 6 minutes.
Add lentils, tomatoes, broth, and salt and pepper to
taste (as well as any italian herbs) and simmer,
uncovered, stirring occasionally, 45 minutes, or until
vegetables are tender and soup is thickened. Add chard
and allow to cook 5-10 more minutes till chard is
tender.

oh, and sometimes, i add a splash of red wine or red
wine vinegar as well as chili seeds if i feel like spice.


OK...

trying it tomorrow. will report back unless i poison myself or burn all my fingertips.

and did you ever wonder if i owned a helmet?

i do.

does that do anything for you, potential employers?

anything at all?

fine. at least try the soup. it's good.

my body is a test tube

i haven't eaten an animal product in 8 days.

i am not yet dead.

wander grocery store aisles like a foreigner on acid.

it's possible that there was broth or butter in some rice i had yesterday, but really...

RESULTS:

defecation frequency increase
remain unemployed

mammoth was amazing. good snow and good people (go josh dion and lisa something!( and michelle of course)) make me consider again again again again the idea of dropping the fuck out of the rat race i never even really run in anyway - just kinda watch it and dream about the finish line...

but who even cares about that finish line when you have this?



and on the vegan thing, well, not sure i can hang with it forever... albacore sashimi!!!!!

but if i can somehow wrangle a lady doctor who cooks some mean vegan shit...

i am a hotel. i am a concierge. i write boring shit.

five visitors in the last two weeks and some with overlap. i love my friends and hate hosting people for weeks on end. now i know what i was like but not really because i was different. i am different. but thank you to all who put me up for those two homeless months in the NYC 2004.

so...

exhausted.

unemployed.

oh, a good idea.

here's my resume (i took off that russell crowe's band doc i assistant edited because fuck that shit) (and i mention nothing of my coat-check mastery or seldom and sketchy bartending)...

also, notice i haven't worked in the 06. at all.

LA is pretty rad like that.

going to mammoth on monday. get back thursday. that kind of rad.

ok, here we go. i wanna direct dvd bonus features now. or whatever.

get me a job.

Recent Employment Experience:

None.

Previous Employment Experience:

Gardner Nelson and Partners – December 2005
Directed, shot, edited and created DVDs for this New York ad agency’s pitches to potential clients Discover Card and Sovereign Bank.

Gamekillers – December 2005
Production Sound Mixer for this MTV reality/dating/prank show.

The Sims – November 2005
Production Sound Mixer (New York) for this MTV show about people obsessed with ‘The Sims’ video game.

The Witnesses – November 2005
Camera for this Indie band’s music video for the song "We're Taking Over," off the album Black Eyes and White Lies.

The Reaping DVD – August-October 2005
Field Producer, Production Sound Mixer and Camera Op.for the behind the scenes feature and other featurettes on this Warner Brothers film starring Hillary Swank and directed by Stephen Hopkins.

Iconoclasts – July 2005
Production Sound Mixer for two episodes of this Sundance Channel series – Tom Ford and Jeff Koons, Sumner Redstone.

One – July 2005
Production Sound Mixer for this television spot for the One Organization (Live 8), with Stevie Wonder, Natalie Portman, Don Cheadle, Jennifer Connolly, Naomi Watts, Jimmy Smits, The Black Eyed Peas, Chris Tucker, Russel Simmons, etc.

Battlegrounds 2005 – May-July 2005
Field Producer and Production Sound Mixer on several episodes of this seven part series for MTV about the lives and aspirations of young basketball stars from New York and Chicago.

Honest – April 2005
Director of Photographey on this 30-second digital spot for DVD release with European Advertising trade magazine.

Orbit Digital – April 2005-August 2005
Avid Assistant (Symphony, Unity, Nitris) at this Post House. Clients include MTV, VH1, CBS Sports, The Sci-Fi Channel, and directors Wayne Wang (Last Holiday), Darren Aronofsky (The Fountain) and Steven Soderberg (Bubble).

Corra Films Inc. – February 2005-ongoing
Staff Writer at this production company. Writing pitches and treatments for documentary and reality programs. Developing specials and series with Showtime, Comedy Central, A&E, VH1, SpikeTV, and The Sundance Channel.

Snowboard High – November 2003-November 2004
Creator, Producer and Director/DP of this half-hour pilot for MTV Networks. The documentary series focuses on the lives of students at a boarding school in Colorado that has snowboard training as a part of its daily curriculum. Pilot completed in April ’04. Recast and shot for MTV in September and October 2004.

Debutantes – November 2002-March 2004
Field Producer/Production Sound on this two hour special for A&E, chronicling the experiences of modern day debutantes across America.

Cuffed – October-November 2003
Contracted to write this reality show for MTV Networks satellite channel, The N.

Battlegrounds – July-August 2003
Camera and Production Sound on this two hour special for MTV on street basketball and the culture surrounding it.

Because We Feel Like It – February-July 2003
Directed and shot this unscripted MTV Networks pilot about adolescent skateboarders exploring their world.

Breaking Point – October-November 2002
Production Sound Mixer on this Discovery Channel show exploring the limits of technology.

Mercer Films – September 2002-December 2003
Development Consultant and Producer for this independent feature production company. Slingshot – 2005 Tribeca FF.

Bottom of the 9th – April-September 2002
Camera and Production Sound Mixer (alternately) on this documentary about a New Jersey minor league baseball team with no major league club affiliation (in other words: a dead end for ball players). DGA Nominee – Best Documentary.

Making Marines – August-November 2001
Production Sound Mixer for this 3 hour Discovery Channel show about how Boot Camp changes recruits for better and worse.





Selected Personal Work:
May – May-Novemer 2004
Director and editor of this short film exploring what it means when the snowboard season ends.

“Southern Generals vs. Beefeaters” – November 2002-April 2003
Produced this short film about war as pageantry, delusion as creativity.

“Floater” – July 2001-April 2002
Wrote, produced and starred in this short about leisure and pleasant activities in the summer sun, degenerating into involuntary trampoline manslaughter.

"Light The Filter" – December 2000-July 2001
Wrote, produced, and directed this 20 minute film about an unemployed minor league baseball pitcher trying to quit smoking on the worst day of his life.

"Birds and Bees" – October-December 2000
Edited this NYU thesis film on the struggle between young love and fascist parents. First Run Film Festival 2001.

The Fool To Do It – March-August 2000
Directed and edited this dv documentary short about Bill Talen, AKA Reverend Billy, a New York performer and recent Obie Award Winner. NYU festival selection 2000.

“koro” – November-December 1999
Directed and edited this short film about the perils of life as a promiscuous pothead. NYU festival selection 1999.

“Manipulating Meat” – May 1999
This one-act play, which I wrote, was produced at The Red Room Theatre on East 4th Street, New York.

“The Three of Me” – April 1999
Monologue selected for publication in the book 21 Stories from the 7th Floor, Washington Square Press, New York.

Education:
New York University, Tisch School of the Arts
Undergraduate degrees in Film and Psychology. Dean’s list. I worked with digital non-linear editing (AVID and Final Cut), flatbed editing, and After-Effects as well as shooting on DVcam, miniDV, Betacam, and 16mm film. I also worked with the human mind.

References: Available upon request.